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Area Sister Receives Miraculous E-mail, Forwards To 1,200 Closest Friends: "Really Freaky Stuff That Has to do with Islam"

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Islamica News
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The variety of surreal and miraculous digital images attached in the forward include "Prayer Hat Mongoose," "Bearded Baby Seal," "Praying Penguin" and "Shirk Zebra" (pictured).

BIRMINGSPAM, NC – “I couldn’t believe it, they were so beautiful,” remarked Sister Aamina Fourwardu after viewing a picture attached to an e-mail forward she received early this morning. The e-mail, sent to her by a close and trusted friend, included approximately one dozen pictures portraying “Really Freaky Stuff That Has to do with Islam”.

Some of the pictures had subtle undertones of miracles whereas others were out and out unusual.

“The way that the clouds look, it’s so clear that they say ‘The streets will be flowing with the blood of the infidels'”, she stated as she sifted through one of the attached pictures.

Other pictures included in the e-mail portray images of a mongoose with a prayer hat, a zebra with the words ‘Shirk’ seemingly visible amongst its stripes and a bag of Basmati rice with a $3 price tag.

“That’s the biggest miracle,” reminisced Sr. Aamina referring to the $3 bag of rice, “You can’t get that kind of a price anywhere.”

Almost immediately after reading the message, Sr. Aamina decided that this message had to be shared with others.

“I felt that it was my duty to share this inspiring message with some of my closest friends.”

Dutifully following the “send this to everyone you know or else you will die” warning at the end of the email, Fourwardu sent the message to an estimated 1200 other individuals within a 10-minute span. In the process of doing so, she managed to collapse several email servers for the popular AOL Internet service provider.

“I couldn’t believe she sent me this crap,” stated former friend Kan Zaman. “I had to go through 12 pages of e-mail addresses just to get to the actual message and all I find is horribly-done Photoshop images.”

Sr. Aaamina didn’t seem fazed by the criticisms and harsh e-mail she received in response to her forward, including numerous death threats.

“I got everything from ‘You’re an incredible idiot’ to ‘Remove me from this stupid list’. But I’m taking it all in stride. Those people really need to relax. Maybe I’ll just forward them some jokes or something… those usually pick me up,” she said with a smile.

Hyderbadi Sunni Muslim Seeks Slim, Fair-Skinned Hyderbadi Wife: "Not Looking to Break Any Stereotypes"

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Islamica News
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Referring to himself numerous times as "a hot young modest stud," Br. Ghous announced announced his candidacy for marriage in the year 2000.

PEORIA, IL – In a shocking news conference held earlier today, 35 Year-old Hyderbadi Sunni Muslim Vali Ghous announced that he is now “ready to be settled down” and has plans to begin searching for a wife.

“I feel it is time now for me to get married. I have good job working in engineering plant, my family is settled, all 14 of my younger brothers are married, and we even married off my ugly sister. Boy do I feel sorry for her husband. She looks like my daddy,” explained Ghous.

Elaborating on details as to what exactly he is seeking in a potential mate, Ghous explained that he is in search of a very special woman that meets his strict requirements of religiousness, morality, kindness and being slim & fair-skinned as well as Hyderbadi.

Ghous' ideal mate
Ghous spent most of the press conference handing out leaflets containing his horrid vision of a future wife. The back of the leaflet prominently listed his email address: [email protected]

“She’s gotta be one hot mama,” exclaimed Ghous, “I mean, she’s gotta be a real looker. I would like for her to be religious and know about Islam or something like that. But that is the other thing…she’s gotta be really good looking!”

When asked by a reporter if he was afraid his search could be perceived as stereotypical and narrow-minded, Ghous replied, “Hey, I’m not looking to break any stereotypes, man” and reiterated that “she’s gotta be one hot mama.”

Towards the end of the two-minute press conference, Ghous unveiled a sketch of his ‘ideal woman’ which he assembled with the aid of a local-area police sketch artist.

“If I could find one that looked like that and could cook and clean…man! I would be in the heaven!”

Islamic Center Specializes in Misspelled Signs: A 'Focus on Your Insignificant Community' Report

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Islamica News
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Bughali displays one of his infamous signs. His newest project is entitled "Please donate ass much as you can."

DES MOINES, IA – Meet Ayman Bughali, a hard working soccer fan who has been assigned to the duty of ‘sign maker’ at the Islamic Center of Des Moines. Upon entering the center, Ayman is always there to greet and introduce himself to you.

“I make the signs!” Bughali is quick to point out in his deep mid-eastern accent. Wherever one looks, they can witness the fruits of Bughali’s hard work.

“Please Do Not Generiously”, “Brothers: Lower the Gays”, and the infamous “Ekzit” signs grace the walls, doors and bathrooms of the center.

Bughali, who has had no formal education past the age of 11 and can barely speak the English language, seems to be oblivious to nearly all rules of grammar and proper spelling. When asked about his apparent ignorance of standardized English and MLA format, Bughali responded with a long, blank stare and occassional eyeblink.

Des Moines Islamic Council Member Ali Daugher, says he was thoroughly impressed by Bughali when he first witnessed him in action. “He was like a label maker on the crack…on a lot of the crack.”

These signs bring laughter to youngsters and educated people alike as some signs lack any coherency whatsoever.

During last Friday’s prayer, the guest speaker did not know what to do after reading a sign that read “Khateeb Dont Talk Deooring Khutba.”

Outside, a 4 year-old jokingly grunts like a dog under the sign saying “No Ill Eagle Barking In The Barking Lot.”

Some were too scared to go to the bathroom after they were told to “Bee In The Toilet.”

Bughali wishes to pursue his life-long dream, and get into traffic sign production. “I’ve always wanted to make an ‘Estop’ sign,” he remarked excitedly.

When asked if he knew what a spell checker was, Bughali hissed and ran away.

Area Imam Busted For Lip-Sync Act: First Milli Vanilli, Now This

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Islamica News
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Mabuti (middle) in happier times with partners in crime - Rob and Fab (aka Milli Vanilli). Mabuti blames his fraudelent acts on the rain.

LAS VEGAS, NV – Just as the world overcame the traumatic affect of the dubious spectacle of has-been pop stars Milli Vanilli, the Muslim community of Nevada must brace for yet another shocking revelation. Imam Mabuti Lotz of the Islamic Society of Gamblin County has been charged with lip syncing his nightly Ramadan taraweeh prayers.

The Imam, who was unavailable for comment, would reportedly place a small microcassette player in the front pocket of his gown, and synchronize his big lips to the recorded recitation.

President of the ISGC, Sulaiman Ali Simali said that he noticed the Imam absent while the prayers were going on, stating “because you know sometimes I look around in my prayers, don’t you?”

Several other members of the community had reserved their suspicions for a long time.

“I knew something was smelling like fishy!” yelled Abu Ghouri, a longtime member of the community. “When he start to eat a banana during 14th rakah, I thought it was like a kind of magic.”

The Imam’s “magic” act was exposed last week during prayer when his cassette player malfunctioned, prompting rapid sajdah. The panicked Imam ran out of the masjid yelling, “I’m going to hell! I’m going to hell!”

Simali told reporters that he initially thought it was a really good impersonation of the chipmunks.

The fiasco incited a full investigation of the Imam’s life, which uncovered a previous failed dream of becoming an Elvis impersonator.

The community in Gamblin County will look for another Imam to replace the deceptive Mabuti Lotz but for the time being, they intend to play the microcassette recorder left behind.

Muslim Boy Drowns During Suhur: Father Makes Grizzly Early Morning Discovery

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Islamica News
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Muna (pictured) moments after enjoying his last bowl. Coroners suspect he may have still been alive at the time.

HOUSTON, TX – A solemn mood set the stage at a north Houston residence yesterday as the county coroner confirmed the death of 14-Year-Old Tazi Chaudhry. Chaudhry was found face-down in a bowl of his favorite cereal, Cocoa Puffs, as his family was preparing to begin another day of Islamic fasting.

During the holy month of Ramadan, Muslims traditionally precede each day of fasting with a meal before dawn, or the suhur. According to forensic experts, it was during this time when Chaudhry fell asleep and drowned, landing face-down into his fatal breakfast which mother remarked he went “cuckoo for.”

The Chaudhry family is still trying to cope with the tragic loss of their youngest and most beloved member who they lovingly referred to as ‘Muna’.

Estooped Chaudhry, Tazi’s father, described his son’s personality as very unique and remarked, “He was a nice and calm little boy – except during suhur when he jerked his drowsy head back and forth, and cursed at me for waking him up too early!”

Muna’s mother, Chaipila, appeared to be the most grief-stricken. She recollected her biggest fears. “If anything, we thought he would die from a butter knife to the liver. But drowning in a bowl of cereal? That’s unheard of.”

The Harris County Coroner’s office released their report which captured yesterday’s grim set of events.

Per the report: “The subject fell back into a heavy sleep at the breakfast table, causing his head region to go crashing into the bowl region. It was at this point where he suffocated from milk inhalation which, in this case, didn’t do his body good.”

The coroner went on to write he reached these conclusions after finding a two puffs of the “cocoa cereal” lodged up the subject’s nostrils.

As Ramadan comes to a close, the family must now learn to cope with the tragic loss of young Tazi.

Estooped Chaudhry points out, “As I fast during the first few days of Shawaal, I shall remember my little Muna at suhur time, and stay the hell awake!”
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