Nation Sees Increase in “Quarantined Dad Fart Trauma”

Chicago, IL – A nonprofit organization monitoring the nation’s mental health issued a troubling report which showed an increase in trauma among children who have had to endure their father’s constant flatulence while subjected to home quarantines. The published study showed kids that were exposed to “daddy stinkies” for an extended period of time were more likely to exhibit symptoms of grief, including short bouts of screaming words like “ewwwww” either alone, or in unison with their siblings.

“We’re detecting elevated levels of methane exposure with some of these kids,” says Dr. Saima Khan of the National Alliance for Pediatric Mental Health.

“The short of it is that dad has nowhere to go. Kids have nowhere to go. Farts have nowhere to go. And as the old adage goes, ‘shelter in place makes it fester in place.’”

Area father and working from home professional Faraz Ahmed showed no remorse, as he justified his behavior with his own two children.

“The way I see it, they came from something inside me, they can handle the other stuff inside me too,” said Ahmed as his kids dry heaved behind him.

Follow @islamicanews on Instagram and Twitter, but don’t follow dad after dinner.

Trump Says Most Americans Are Looking Forward To Climbing Over Dead Bodies To Get Back To Work

Anxious to get the economy moving again, President Trump said the American people were eager to climb over victims of the current coronavirus pandemic, in order to get back to work.

“People all over have been telling me – and these are good people – they’re telling me they won’t mind climbing over or driving around bodies to get to work,” said the President at a daily task force press conference.

“And i’m hearing some people are now cured with a Mentos and a cough drop, which, as you know i’ve been saying for a year.”

Trump then announced his plan to send every surviving American a catapult to get a leap over any cadaverous barriers during their post Easter commutes.

“Time To Embrace Our New Infectious Overlords!” Yells A Visibly Compromised Trump

On Wednesday, the White house appeared to shift its messaging on the current pandemic, as a visibly compromised Trump announced that it was time for the American people to abandon resistance, and submit to the mesmerizing and beautiful force of the Coronavirus.

“My fellow countrymen, it’s time to embrace our new infectious overlords,” said the President, standing in front of the press with crown-like spikes projecting from his head.

Trump’s body then attached to Dr. Anthony Fauci, and begin to absorb the Infectious Disease expert entirely, as VP Mike Pence stared in admiration. Follow @islamicanews and all hail COVID! 

Friend Who Never Prays Will Make Sure To Keep You In His Duas

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Your friend who rarely ever prays wants you to know he’ll definitely keep you in his duas. By some miracle perhaps he will, but most probably not since the last prayer he offered was 3 years ago on Eid. 

Follow @islamicanews on instagram for even more empty promises.

Mosque Community Delighted Islamophobe Spelled ‘Muslims’ Correctly on Wall

The Islamic community in Memphis was ecstatic after it appeared that a recent incident of vandalism was done by a well informed and learned islamophobe.

“The last guy who vandalized our mosque used all sorts of misspelled verbiage, and spelled Muslim with a Z and an O,” said Imam Abdul Saleem. “It’s good to see the fruits of our efforts on display here… right next to a giant swastika.”

Community members were also impressed that the vandal removed his shoes before entering the prayer hall to smash glass and litter it with pig heads.

Muslim Scientists Clone Hamza Yusuf To Meet Busy Islamic Conference Schedule

It’s no coincidence Hamza Yusuf has appeared on every Islamic conference flier the past few months. Muslim scientist have successfully cloned the popular Shaikh after receiving requests for him to speak at concurrent Islamic conferences.

“We have 4 Hamzas scheduled to speak tonight in Chicago, Houston, Los Angeles, and Oakland,” said project director Muhammad Afzaal. “By this time next year, we’ll have quadrupled capacity.”

Geneticists have noted the effort has met some challenges, as each clone exhibits a more progressive position on hot topics.

“Last week, Hamza 3 decided to pull out his Fender, and riffed a guitar solo in the middle of his lecture on preserving Muslim identity.” 

Follow @islamicanews on Instagram and Twitter to keep track of all the Hamzas.

To Attract Younger Demographic, Mosque Adds Giant Slide To Minaret

In an effort to attract a younger demographic, a mosque in suburban Detroit has added a giant, twisty slide to one its two minarets.

The spiral slide also provides the muezzin, (person who does the adhan/call to prayer) a more efficient yet exhilarating way down.

“I don’t know if the word ‘weeeeee’ is an orthodox part of the adhan, but it seems to be the case at this mosque,” said attendee Jaafer Raza.

Other attendees noted that the slide increases minaret utilization from 5 times a day, commenting, “There’s never a bad time to slide.”

Others were more critical of the new addition saying it’s a slippery slope.

“The mosque isn’t a playground!” said Mariam Khan. “What’s next? A bouncey house mosque? That slide might as well descend into the Hellfire while we’re at it!” 

Israeli Bulldozer Demolishes ‘Jeopardy!’ Contestant’s Podium After ‘Palestine’ Response

Witnesses say an Israeli bulldozer appeared on the set of ‘Jeopardy!’ and demolished a contestant’s podium shortly after she identified Palestine as the location of the Church of The Nativity.

While it is still unclear who ordered the demolition, an Israeli spokesperson issued a statement saying they’ve addressed the threat within the guidelines of policy. “The terrorist has been neutralized,” read the brief press release.

By the end of the show, construction of settlements were already underway, placing Palestine in final jeopardy.

Khateeb Clearly Has to Get Back to Best Buy After This

Farmington Hills, MI – The Best Buy uniform worn by the Khateeb, (title for the person giving a sermon) at Friday prayers did not go unnoticed by worshippers at the Farmington Hills Islamic Center. Congregants made a probable assumption that he was headed back to work right after this.

During his sermon, 26 year old Musa Ibrahim likened extended protection plans, and bonus point perks to supplemental acts of obedience.

“Brothers and Sisters, sure it’s not obligatory to fast outside of Ramadan,” lectured Ibrahim, as he spoke about the Prophetic tradition of fasting on Thursdays throughout the year. “But we could all use the extra reward points to get into heaven, and redeem those non-expiring certificates for when we expire.”

He went on to compare the levels of heaven, and used the analogy of general audio inventory versus what’s available in the higher-end Magnolia section of the store.

“He really pushed hard on that extended protection plan comparison,” commented regular mosque attendee, as he sat down in the lobby to put his shoes back on. “Up until that sermon, I doubted my faith. But now everything has gotten much more clear, vivid with unbelievable black levels, higher refresh rates and improved motion blur processing.”

“And remember brothers and sisters, if you’re ever feeling alone and in need of help, you can always reach out to me,” said Ibrahim in closing. “It doesn’t have to be me, it can be anyone from the community, as none of us work on commission.”

Intermittent Fasting Regimen Consistent With Man’s Intermittent Islam

Malibu, CA – A local area Muslim man’s regimen of intermittent fasting is consistent with his practice of intermittent faith and intermittent prayer. His intermittent actions are representative of a broader intermittent lifestyle, and hopes to one day go on an intermittent Hajj.

Follow intermittent headlines @islamicanews for the latest intermittent details.