Monday, November 25, 2024
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Determined to Avoid Any More Leg Injuries, Derrick Rose Severs Both Limbs: Team doctors remain optimistic as they rule out future sprained ankles

Derrick Rose is determined to return, even if it means severing both legs to avoid injury.

Chicago, IL – After suffering a torn right meniscus, Derrick Rose will return to the Chicago Bulls lineup tonight as the team takes on the Orlando Magic. Rose is determined to not let any future ankle or knee injuries impact his ability to play for the remainder of the season. You may ask: How will Rose ensure he remains healthy and free of leg injuries?

Easy. By severing both of his limbs.

Rose, who underwent surgery on Feb. 27 to address the damaged part of his torn right meniscus, chopped off both of his legs during Sunday’s game against the Cavaliers.

“There I was on the bench watching my team lose to Cleveland, and I knew I had to do something,” said the 2011 MVP as he cleaned up the pool of blood gushing from a dangling femoral artery.

“Plus, I’m at a point in my life where I can’t sustain any more serious injuries. I need to be there for my kids.”

Team doctors are cautious yet optimistic on Rose’s condition, saying that he “looked really good” going into tonight’s game at the Amway Center. They have also ruled out the possibility of future injury to his ankles… mostly because he doesn’t have any left to injure.

Coach Tom Thibodeau and Bulls fans were angered and confused when referees called traveling against Rose during the first minutes of the game Wednesday night.

Rose was noticeably frustrated with his torso as he rolled himself back to the Bulls bench.

Teammate Joakim Noah praised Rose for his courage and commitment.

“He’s got a whole lot of heart, but not a whole lot of legs… and we love him for it,” said Noah.

Rose is expected to lose his endorsement deal with Adidas.

Indiana Changes State Slogan to “April Fools!”: State Hopes People Get the Joke

Pence made numerous attempts to make reporters "get the joke."

INDIANAPOLIS, IN – In an effort to backtrack from the controversial Religious Freedom Restoration Act, the State of Indiana announced the changing of their state motto to “April Fools!”

“We hope this well help smooth things over,” stated Indiana Governor Mike Pence. “It was all a big joke, see?”

“Ha ha…,” added Pence, as his voice quivered. “I’m going to lay low on social media for a while.”

The legislation, which sets a dangerous precedent for defensive of discriminatory practices based on “sincerely held religious beliefs” has been subject to intense scrutiny since it was passed.

Some small business owners, however, stand by the law.

“I know everyone’s focusing on the gays, but I hate Muslims and they’re not getting my pizza either,” stated pizzeria owner and noted bigot Kevin O’Connor. “And the same applies to the blacks and Mexicans.”

At press time, Muslim Student Associations across Indiana were scrambling to find alternate pizza providers.

Report: Zayn Malik Quit One Direction to Join ISIS: Incredible Report Broken by Credible Fox News

Some noted the move appears to be a natural progression from the music industry.

NEW YORK, NY – Fox News is reporting that following his decision to leave the boy band One Direction, Zayn Malik has intentions to join man band ISIS.

“He was contacted by an ISIS recruiter on Instagram about three years ago,” reported Fox News foreign correspondent Jack Asturd. “We hear [Malik] rejected their initial offer of 72 virgins, a Russian SVT-40 semi-automatic rifle and $500 in cash.”

Asturd detailed that ISIS made a counter offer last month, upping the ante to 685 virgins, an AK-47 rifle, $525 cash and an honorary MD degree from the University of Mosul.

“We believe the MD degree sealed the deal as it’s virtually the sixth pillar of Islam for many Muslims,” stated Asturd. “We’re also hearing unconfirmed reports they’re throwing in a law and engineering degree.”

Upon hearing this, One Direction fans made numerous incoherent statements while openly weeping, snorting, and smearing mucus over their pimple-covered faces.

However one fan noted the music industry was a “great primer from Malik” citing similarities with ISIS including warring factions, weapons, and heavy involvement with the drug trade.

Trivorces Increasing in Arab World: Polygamous Households Dealing with Multiplied Headaches

Trivorce, the divorce of a man and two or more wives, has skyrocketed in the Arab world.

RIYADH, KSA – A recent report published by the Saudi government’s Division of Polygamy and Slavery noted a rise in the “bobularity of trivorces,” the simultaneous divorce of a man with two or more wives in a polygynous household. The report concluded a 20-year study performed by a team of researchers investigating Arab marriage customs.

“During 1994 and 2014, trivorces increased from 0.2% to 14%,” stated the report. “Also, we’re pretty sure Dajjal was born during this period.”

Researchers cited one popular reason for trivorces was “burnout” from having to endure the “dozen or so” marriage-related parties and ceremonies for subsequent wives.

“It’s bad enough I have to go through that [expletive] myself,” noted one study participant. “Imagine having to go through it again for another wife or two.”

Other popular reasons for trivorce include financial hardship, cheating, “husband surprising old wives with new wife,” and intellectual abuse due to “husband too stupid.”

“This is very concerning for me and my overall game,” stated 47 Year Old Sheikh Waif bin Angri’atmi. “I have two [wives] and they’re getting very fat, you know. I think maybe I go for third but rebort [sic] makes me think thrice.”

Tough Decision Looms for Hot Convenience Store Clerk Prospect: Critical Choice Will Define Young, Promising Career

The hot young prospect has been averaging a record-setting 60 HPW (hours per week) at his father's gas station.

SKOKIE, IL – The nation’s top convenience store clerk prospect, 15-Year Old Murad Jamal, recently hinted he’s close to deciding where he plans to “go pro” after he turns 16 next month. The clerical phenom rose to stardom as an illegal underage worker at his father’s BP gas station.

“Reporters have been following us everywhere and it’s getting distracting for me and my family,” stated Jamal. “We’ll make a decision in the next few days and hopefully the media frenzy subsides.”

The boy raised the eyebrows of many convenience store recruiters when he moved into management at the age of 14 based on his ability to speak non-broken English. Customers regularly praise Jamal’s hygiene and customer service skills. Industry analysts note he was a key player in his father’s annexation of a mobile accessories kiosk formerly belonging to his uncle.

“The kid can play, we’ve been watch the him for many whiles. He is showing us he’s ice blooded business man when he called immigration on his uncle during the kiosk takeover,” stated 7-Eleven HR specialist Harvinder Singh. “We’ll make a deal and sign him. Nobody else can offer the slurpee.”

Jamal’s other rumored suitors include Dunkin’ Donuts, Cricket Wireless and ISIS. Many believe the choice, however, will come down to 7-Eleven or Dunkin’ Donuts.

“He comes from a long pedigree of 7-Eleven clerks so they clearly have the inside track. But don’t count out Dunkin’s deep pockets,” stated Convenience Analyst Adam Squisher. “My sources tell me [Dunkin’] Donuts put together a signing bonus in excess of $50 coupled with a $9.50 hourly rate. That’s way over 7-Elevens typical rookie cap and they don’t want to get into a bidding war.”

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