Monday, November 25, 2024
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Chat Addict Convinces Parents She’s Doing Research: Poor Adults Don't Have a Clue

The parental threat was kept at bay for now.

AIMVILLE, KY – “I think it’s cool now, they’re finally gone,” states 16-year old Aatiqah Rehman.

Cool, indeed. The teenage Rehman spends nearly fifteen hours a day talking online with friends and strangers alike. Her addiction started early with the popular AOL instant messenger, commonly thought to be a gateway for chat addiction.

From there, her interests slowly progressed to chatting on Yahoo Messenger, MSN and ICQ. “Sometimes, when my friends aren’t online, I go onto chatrooms and say salam to random people because it’s so much fun, lol.”

Fun most of the time, however Aatiqah learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to give your phone number or other personal information to people you’ve never met in a real life, face-to-face encounter.

Rehman’s parents started suspecting something was wrong when strange phone calls would come to the house from grown men asking to speak with their daughter.

“I pick up phone and he say ‘Hi is AatiqahRahman786 there?’ and I say ‘Who is this?’ and he say ‘Bob’ and I say ‘What Bob want with my daughter?’ and Bob hang up,” stated her concerned father.

After confronting his daughter about the questionable phone calls, Aatiqah denied any wrongdoing.

“I just told them that I was working on a school project,” explained Aatiqah, “They wouldn’t know the difference between Microsoft Word and Alloy.com, lol.” While her parents are enthused that their daughter spends so much time studying, they don’t quite understand why she’s failing most of her classes.

Muslim Entertainment Goes Unscreened: Youth Approval Committees Worst Fears Realized

Onlookers were shocked at the spectacle on stage.

CHICAGO, IL – Panic and fear ensued in the hearts and minds of Muslim Youth Committee coordinators when they failed to screen some of the ‘last-second’ acts performing at this year’s “Muzlims Gotz Skeelz” variety show and fundraiser.

“There are certain things you can and cannot do at these ‘halal’ shows which attract many families,” explains Kazim Al-Ghaffour, event coordinator. “I was truly caught off guard when his pants started to come off.”

Al-Ghaffour was forced to make a last-second decision when musical act ‘Chop Stik Miswak’ failed to arrive at the Gateway Theatre this past Saturday evening. During the intermission and under mounting pressure to fill numerous vacant slots in the lineup, Al-Ghaffour agreed to let Muslim hip-hop artist M.F. Haseen perform his routine.

Later that evening, a dismayed Ghaffour found out what the M.F stood for. “It was explained to me that he had this ‘east meets west’ freestyle,” explained Al-Ghaffour, “I guess that means that he managed to upset people of many ethnicities.”

“I don’t know how this happened.” said committee member Bilal Ali. “I thought Ghaffour had screened all the acts.”

“I thought Bilal screened all the acts,” responded an equally bewildered Al-Ghaffour.

Shouts of ‘Astagfirullah’ could be heard from the audience, followed by panic attacks and cries of horror.

Many toddlers took it upon themselves to head for the exits.

The committee is currently sending out apology communications and will issue an official statement on their Web site.

Crossroads Announces New Fall Lineup

ITHACA, NY – Crossroads TV, the Muslim lifestyles cable channel expected to launch in late summer 2004, has announced their exciting fall lineup. Programming for the progressive channel include “never before” seen Muslim reality shows expected to land high ratings.

Crossroad’s, “Fitna Island” is a show centered around five Imams sent away to a Caribbean island in the midst of spring break. The Imams attempt to remain consistent with the piety and modesty with which they’ve been raised while at the same time are immersed in an environment which is anything but.

The last Imam left unscathed will win the cash prize of $500 along with assurances from the programming directors that he will be entering into the glorious gates of heaven.

The new channel hopes to hit a home run with a prank television venture entitled “Detained.” Hosted by 786 Heartthrob Zafar Razaki, “Detained” tours the nation with a hidden camera, scouting out Muslim households and individuals and telling them they’ve been detained by the Office of Homeland Security under the “Secret Evidence Act.” The reactions of candid shock and horror that ensue formulate one half hour of quality comedy.

Playing off the success of the NBC sitcom, “Non-Mehram Friends” is expected to carve out part of Thursday’s prime time on Crossroads. Three guys and three girls have been lifelong friends, but now the factors of puberty, and a shared studio apartment divided only by a flimsy curtain set the tone for a 16 episode season.

Crossroad’s Programming CEO Yahya Mustafa is excited about the inaugural season, saying, “I’m truly excited.”

The new channel will begin broadcasting in late August, and is currently securing potential advertisers.

Halal Butcher Loses Finger, Hopes No One Notices: Accident-Prone Man Keeps Working Despite Loss

Mahmeet is confident his remaining digits are up for the task.

STREAMWOOD, IL – In a frenzy to finish his orders before prayer this past Friday, Zabiha Halal Butcher Yaseen Mahmeet sustained a severe injury to his left hand. While attempting to grind beef, Mahmeet’s left ring finger was caught in the machine and completely severed.

“I look at other side and seen it don’t look too bad since I got the nine fingers left,” remarked Mahmeet. “I bag it and move on to next order.”

Mahmeet refused to reveal exactly which order contained the severed finger and stated, “It’s not too much bad I think to be eat it. I wash it the hand this morning.”

The clumsy butcher added that this isn’t the first time his body parts have intermingled with his food orders. Last Ramadan, a child nearly choked to death after eating a samosa containing one of Mahmeet’s toenail clippings.

The clumsy butcher has lost one finger and three toes thus far, along with collagen from his left ear. Despite such misfortunes, he maintains that these are acceptable losses in order to maintain the speed with which he fulfills his orders.

“Some restaurant called ‘Kinda OK’ now want to order the meat because I so much the fast, so I feel the very much of the kind of happy.”

Eid Prayers Held at Bambi’s: All Other Venues Booked

Many were enthused that unlike prayer halls booked in the past, Bambi's had decent parking arrangements.

Houston, TX – After a significant reservation oversight, the Islamic Community of Greater Houston (ICGH) was forced to make a last-minute decision in finding an appropriate venue for this year’s Eid-ul-Fitr prayer. With both the George R. Brown Convention Center and the Astrohall booked, ICGH President Malik Muhammad was faced with very few options.

“I’m not sure who dropped the ball on this one, but we had no time and had to think fast,” said Muhammad.

ICGH, for the first time in North American Eid prayer history, reserved Bambi’s located off Westheimer Rd. The establishment has been described by the business as a “place where gentlemen meet.”

“My advisor, Hassan Tulaybah had told me about a place he once visited a few months ago, and said it had adequate capacity once all the tables and small stages had been moved. I went with it, not bothering to investigate further,” said Muhammad.

Tulaybah described his last-minute strategy as a “no brainer.”

“When ICGH asked me where to hold a Ayeeeeeed Brayer, I say ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh Bumbi Hall!”

Tulaybah then proceeded to belch a waft of vodka into the air, and passed out.

Because the morning prayers were held outside of Bambi’s normal operating hours, most of the establishment’s typical patrons were nowhere to be found.

As people entered into Bambi’s, a voice over the megaphone could be heard saying, “Brothers and sisters, please remove your shoes and nothing else!”

“And don’t forget to Purell yourselves every five minutes!”

Many community members witnessed the anomalies spawned from the event.

“It was amazing, I could see the imam hanging from a pole giving the khutbah. He kept addressing us as ‘Gentlemen and Sisters,'” said an excited Haris Qudus, 19, who normally wouldn’t be able to enter Bambi’s due to his age.

This year, Eid expenses were calculated at $5 per head, unless congregants wished to experience the venue’s ‘VIP Backroom’ at $25 per head.

“The people who came early got to sit in the VIP lounge, but you know it’s not really different in there,” said Malik Muhammad. “Same thing you have out here just in a more intimate setting.”

One of Bambi’s infamous dancers, Sparkles, was just ending her shift from the previous night as congregants began to arrive. As she walked out of the building, she was pulled aside by an ICGH volunteer.

“Some jerk with a big beard just told me to go back to the sisters section,” she said with disgust. “I told him, ‘Honey, this whole room IS THE SISTERS SECTION!'”

At the end, more donations were requested to pay for the hall, and folded one-dollar bills were the preferred denomination.

HALL OF FAME