Friends are growing increasingly annoyed with 28 Year Old Rashid Khan’s new habit of stroking and pulling at his newly-grown beard.
“It’s like, ‘Hello? We all know you have a new beard on your face Rashid,'” says a sarcastic Basit Rahman who has known Khan for 10 years.
Rahman also pointed out that Khan isn’t as angelic as his new facial hair may suggest.
CHICAGO, IL – As fast as they turned religious, liberal Muslims all over the world headed back to their mischievous routines as another Ramadan came to a close. The holy month is one of spirituality and cleansing, and Muslims often use this time to abstain from ill habits and worldly indulgences.
“It’s a time where I can’t blast Fifty Cent in my ride, fo shnizzles,” said Notre Dame Freshman, Ibrahim Sulaiman.
Black Sheep Muslims, or ‘Haramees’ as they’re often called by their holier peers, usually face a re-adjustment period up to two weeks after Ramadan.
“The week after Ramadan is strange,” noted 22 Year Old Musa Hathout. “It’s like ‘Oh man, I’m eating. Then it’s like, ‘Oh [crap], I’m cursing… and then it’s like ‘HOLY [expletive]! I’m sippin on whiskey all up in da club and not payin my taxes.’ But not necessarily in that order.”
Many Black Sheep Muslims follow non-orthodox logic during Ramadan, abstaining from actions ordinarily considered forbidden year-round.
“There’s like this science to preparing for Ramadan,” explained Hathout. “40 days before Ramadan, you can’t drink alcohol. That stuff’s gotta be out of your system if you want your fast to count.”
Many Muslims disagree with Hathout, however, and clarify alcohol is forbidden regardless of the time of year.
16 Year Old Aisha Siddiqui feels guilty not being as disciplined now that Ramadan is over.
“The other day I was thinking, man, that Christina Aguilera is so messed up. But then I realized I’m not the most perfect person in the world either. I mean last month I overslept a tahajood prayer. Cast me away with the rest of the crackheads.”
Shortly thereafter, Siddiqui was given a wedgie by her own mother.
As the haramees flock back to nightclubs and their music, the aura of yet another Ramadan fades away.
Expressing his sentiments at the end of the holy month, Hathout remarked, “All that fasting made me hungry, ya know what I’m sayin?”
ISRAEL, IN – Witnesses stood in awe this morning when a 47 year old Egyptian man by the name of Habib Yawari lunged into a verbal assault at an area gas station.
“The damn thing wouldn’t take my credit card,” exclaimed Yawari, “They wanted to make me late, I know it! It’s all because of the Jews!”
This marks the fifteenth incident this month where Yawari has blamed his misfortunes on the children of Israel. From having his credit declined to stubbing his pinky toe, Yawari seems to find a correlation between Jews and everything going bad in his life.
Seemingly unaware of the fact that Muslims are required to have higher regard for Christians and Jews than other non-Muslims, Yawari baffles friends and family alike.
Yawari was devastated when informed that Jerry Seinfeld, his favorite comedian, is in fact a Jew. Yawari proceeded to burn all of his videotaped recordings of Seinfeld’s popular television show along with his Sony VCR, which he also claims was built by Jewish manufacturers.
Yawari’s ex-wife, Fatima, left him three months ago after he beat her unconscious for, in his own words, “raising our kids as Jewy, Jewy Jews.”
“I only made him a bagel for breakfast and he flips out,” his ex-wife claims. “That man has some serious [expletive] issues.”
Authorities were called on the scene last week as a visibly-intoxicated Yawari assaulted a bartender he suspected was Jewish. Yawari quickly fled the scene, led the officers on a wild chase and was finally arrested after attempting to go back and pick up a quarter that fell out of his pocket.
JOHANNESBURG, SOUTH AFRICA – Archaeologists made an accidental, startling discovery while performing a dig in South Africa earlier today.
“I suspected for a long time, but now I can confirm it’s true,” stated Project Leader Mumbatoo Mohammad, “There he was, sleeping on the job as usual. Mufasa has got to be the world’s worst Muslim.”
Mumbatoo was referring to Mufasa Mohammad, his younger brother who has a longstanding and infamous reputation amongst the locals in this region.
“He never prays or does things he’s supposed to do. And he does plenty he’s not supposed to do,” stated a visibly-perturbed Mumbatoo.
“Mufasa’s been married to about twenty women thus far and I’m pretty sure he beat all of them.”
The stories don’t stop there.
In late June of this year, Mufasa was charged with CRUI (camel riding under the influence) and resisting arrest as he led policemen on a three-day chase.
“We would’ve gotten him sooner, but we were on foot,” recalled one of the arresting officers.
Mumbatoo then proceeded to back-bite everyone at the police station in the days following his arrest.
“Despite a few attempted murders, he hasn’t killed anyone yet. But if he doesn’t take a shower soon, I think he might,” remarked long-time neighbor Rafiki Udaiyoo. The wudu-impaired Mufasa hasn’t offered any form of prayer since the beginning of apartheid in 1948.
“He sometimes shows up to the masjid just before congregation and holds up the jamaat while we wait for him. He doesn’t even pray, he just shows up to make us wait on him. I hate that,” stated one local man.
When asked for comment on his misguided behavior, Mufasa replied, “Gotta love me. I’m still better than the world’s best non-Muslim.”
The world’s best non-Muslim, Stanley Thompson of Milwaukee, Wisconsin was unavailable for comment.
Washington, DC – The latest wave of political activism among Muslims in the United States has paved the way for a new platform for the 2004 election year. Inspired by George W. Bush’s turning of face, and an overwhelming Muslim bloc vote in 2000, organizers launch ‘Get Backstabbed 2004.’
“Our ongoing strategy is simple and straightforward,” explains organization chair Ismail Harris. “Find the candidate which is the least of the evils.”
Harris’s strategy is consistent with the organization’s tagline: ‘BOOM! The Lesser of Two Evils.’
The ideology behind the new organization is for a dozen individuals to select a single candidate and support them through a monolithic voting platform for the nation’s eight million Muslims.
Harris admits that candidate selection can be very difficult at times, especially when ideas and beliefs are inconsistent with Islam.
“Sometimes you have individuals who support homosexual values, abortion, and marijuana legalization, but at the same time take an anti-Israel stance. BOOM! The lesser of two evils,” Harris says enthusiastically.
Members of the organization realize the faux made with the bloc support of George W. Bush, with other Republicans in 2000, and say they will be more careful with their selection.
‘Get Backstabbed 2004’ Selection Committee Chairperson Aminah McGee says, “The candidate will make several promises to the Muslim people to establish his or her credibility.”
McGee further explains a contingency plan to be deployed after the election. “If the candidate becomes an elected official, and goes against his or her commitments, then we will raise our hands into the air and become very, very angry.”
In his speech to the Muslim community of Troy, candidate Pete Thornton (D) of Michigan said, “I don’t know if I can honor your needs in congress. Heck, I’ll probably vote against any Muslim interest. But what I need right now, is your vote.”
The new organization is expected to hand out rubber knives to drive the ‘backstabbing’ theme home.
Ismail Harris noted, “We’re basically moving at a speed of 500 miles an hour right now, overlooking many important issues. But we need to make some sort of impact if we are to survive as an entity in this country.”
