Santa Myth Exposed: Muslim Second Grader Ruins Christmas for Entire Class

support
-
0
Santa Myth Exposed: Muslim Second Grader Ruins Christmas for Entire Class

BOSTON, MA – After the events that transpired here last week, Ms. Johnsons’ second grade classroom will never be the same.

“We were making cardboard cutouts for the school’s holiday musical when all of a sudden, I hear Adnan telling everyone that Santa Claus isn’t real,” stated Ms. Johnson in reference to Adnan Sami, one of her seven-year old students. “I don’t know what on earth possessed him to tell such horrid, horrid… truth.”

“My mommy told me,” explained Adnan. “I go home and asked her if Santa Claus was coming to our house because we don’t have a chimney. She said that Santa’s not real and I said okay and that was it.”

“How on earth can people live like that?! It’s insane,” exclaimed a visibly-upset Ms. Johnson.

The child has a history of ruining holidays for area youth.

Last Easter, he quickly pointed out that the Easter bunny who visited their classroom was in fact the school’s alcoholic janitor, William Banes.

“He sounded like Willy because Willy always sounds like he’s about to go to naptime,” laughed Adnan in reference to Banes’ ongoing problems with alcoholism.

“He’s two for two thus far,” stated School Principal Marvin Taylor. “We’ve got to brace for New Years. There’s no telling what damage this kid can do.”

What do you think of Saddam Hussein’s capture?

support
-
0
What do you think of Saddam Hussein’s capture?

Saddam Hussain was recently captured by US forces after hiding in a small hole underground. What are your thoughts?

sis5

“Yea! We’re now free of terrorism!!!”
Heba Hussaini, Teacher

bro7

“I can relate to living in a rathole. My trailer’s a dump.”
Vali Mehmood, Actor

bro6

“He’s a malicious, beligerent tyrant. Oh wait, I thought you were talking about Bush.”
Jibreel Yaseen, Mechanic

bro5

“About time they caught bin Laden!”
Umair Qasim, Engineer

Check out more Islamica Asks.

Masjid Conducts Annual Running of the Muslims

support
-
0
Masjid Conducts Annual Running of the Muslims

VILLA PARK, IL – The tranquil, standstill air at the Islamic Foundation in suburban Chicago wasn’t indicative of the events about to transpire just moments later. On the evening of Sunday, October 26, one could not expect any force to break the serenity and peaceful vacancy that filled the halls and rooms of the 15 year-old masjid. However through years of experience, Islamic Foundation’s staff knew all too well about the phenomenon about to take place.

On the horizon of the parking lot, a throng of people were visible and could be seen advancing closer and closer as the ground thumped with every step.

An event which has attracted locals and law enforcement alike, the Annual Running of the Muslims begins every year just at the start of Ramadan.

On a normal day, the Masjid is relatively quiet and not many people are seen inside.

“They wait for moon news, and if we see moon, fine… it’s Ramadan. Then they come running in like masjid going out of business sale,” explains Islamic Foundation’s director Malik Sultan.

Among the audience was 35 year old Judith Boyer who lives just down the street from the Islamic Foundation.

“With the economy being so bad, we couldn’t afford to go to Spain so I said ‘Honey let’s go check us out some stampeding Moslems.'”

Omar Azim participated in the run last year and noted that the experience was exhilarating.

“It’s like your running and sometimes you want to stop, but you can’t because there are people behind you,” said the nineteen year old Azim.

“I couldn’t tell what was happening or where I was going. I looked up to find myself running next to a stampeding sheep in the sister’s section.”

This year’s numbers indicated a record turnout and was a huge success according to Islamic Foundation’s staff.

Man ‘Books’ Without Praying Sunnah

support
-
0

30 Year Old Fahad Azim reportedly booked out of the masjid last Friday without praying Sunnah.

“I turned around to look for him, but I think he took off,” said Abdul Ghaffour who usually meets up with Azim after Salat every Friday.

Azim was seen leaving hurriedly during the announcement portion of the Friday prayers.

Saddam Allegedly Had Mini-Bar, Gaudy Decorations in Rat Hole

support
-
0

Having a reputation for having elaborate palaces with gaudy decor, Saddam Hussein’s in-ground hideout reportedly had a statue of himself next to the entrance hole.

Also found in his hideaway was a marble mini-bar, a cross-eyed ceramic wall mosaic of himself, and Iraqi patriotic television programming blaring in the background.

Hussein was polishing his gold bathroom bucket when troops discovered him.

Brother Keeps Stroking Newly Grown Beard

support
-
0
Brother Keeps Stroking Newly Grown Beard

Friends are growing increasingly annoyed with 28 Year Old Rashid Khan’s new habit of stroking and pulling at his newly-grown beard.

“It’s like, ‘Hello? We all know you have a new beard on your face Rashid,'” says a sarcastic Basit Rahman who has known Khan for 10 years.

Rahman also pointed out that Khan isn’t as angelic as his new facial hair may suggest.

Liberal Muslims Eagerly Flock Back To Sinful Ways: A Post-Ramadan Report

support
-
0
<span class=Liberal Muslims Eagerly Flock Back To Sinful Ways: A Post-Ramadan Report" title="Liberal Muslims Eagerly Flock Back To Sinful Ways: A Post-Ramadan Report" />

CHICAGO, IL – As fast as they turned religious, liberal Muslims all over the world headed back to their mischievous routines as another Ramadan came to a close. The holy month is one of spirituality and cleansing, and Muslims often use this time to abstain from ill habits and worldly indulgences.

“It’s a time where I can’t blast Fifty Cent in my ride, fo shnizzles,” said Notre Dame Freshman, Ibrahim Sulaiman.

Black Sheep Muslims, or ‘Haramees’ as they’re often called by their holier peers, usually face a re-adjustment period up to two weeks after Ramadan.

“The week after Ramadan is strange,” noted 22 Year Old Musa Hathout. “It’s like ‘Oh man, I’m eating. Then it’s like, ‘Oh [crap], I’m cursing… and then it’s like ‘HOLY [expletive]! I’m sippin on whiskey all up in da club and not payin my taxes.’ But not necessarily in that order.”

Many Black Sheep Muslims follow non-orthodox logic during Ramadan, abstaining from actions ordinarily considered forbidden year-round.

“There’s like this science to preparing for Ramadan,” explained Hathout. “40 days before Ramadan, you can’t drink alcohol. That stuff’s gotta be out of your system if you want your fast to count.”

Many Muslims disagree with Hathout, however, and clarify alcohol is forbidden regardless of the time of year.

16 Year Old Aisha Siddiqui feels guilty not being as disciplined now that Ramadan is over. 

“The other day I was thinking, man, that Christina Aguilera is so messed up. But then I realized I’m not the most perfect person in the world either. I mean last month I overslept a tahajood prayer. Cast me away with the rest of the crackheads.”

Shortly thereafter, Siddiqui was given a wedgie by her own mother.

As the haramees flock back to nightclubs and their music, the aura of yet another Ramadan fades away.

Expressing his sentiments at the end of the holy month, Hathout remarked, “All that fasting made me hungry, ya know what I’m sayin?”

Man Blames Everything on Jews

support
-
0
Man Blames Everything on Jews

ISRAEL, IN – Witnesses stood in awe this morning when a 47 year old Egyptian man by the name of Habib Yawari lunged into a verbal assault at an area gas station.

“The damn thing wouldn’t take my credit card,” exclaimed Yawari, “They wanted to make me late, I know it! It’s all because of the Jews!”

This marks the fifteenth incident this month where Yawari has blamed his misfortunes on the children of Israel. From having his credit declined to stubbing his pinky toe, Yawari seems to find a correlation between Jews and everything going bad in his life.

Seemingly unaware of the fact that Muslims are required to have higher regard for Christians and Jews than other non-Muslims, Yawari baffles friends and family alike.

Yawari was devastated when informed that Jerry Seinfeld, his favorite comedian, is in fact a Jew. Yawari proceeded to burn all of his videotaped recordings of Seinfeld’s popular television show along with his Sony VCR, which he also claims was built by Jewish manufacturers.

Yawari’s ex-wife, Fatima, left him three months ago after he beat her unconscious for, in his own words, “raising our kids as Jewy, Jewy Jews.”

“I only made him a bagel for breakfast and he flips out,” his ex-wife claims. “That man has some serious [expletive] issues.”

Authorities were called on the scene last week as a visibly-intoxicated Yawari assaulted a bartender he suspected was Jewish. Yawari quickly fled the scene, led the officers on a wild chase and was finally arrested after attempting to go back and pick up a quarter that fell out of his pocket.

World’s Worst Muslim Found

support
-
0
World’s Worst Muslim Found

JOHANNESBURG, SOUTH AFRICA – Archaeologists made an accidental, startling discovery while performing a dig in South Africa earlier today.

“I suspected for a long time, but now I can confirm it’s true,” stated Project Leader Mumbatoo Mohammad, “There he was, sleeping on the job as usual. Mufasa has got to be the world’s worst Muslim.”

Mumbatoo was referring to Mufasa Mohammad, his younger brother who has a longstanding and infamous reputation amongst the locals in this region.

“He never prays or does things he’s supposed to do. And he does plenty he’s not supposed to do,” stated a visibly-perturbed Mumbatoo.

“Mufasa’s been married to about twenty women thus far and I’m pretty sure he beat all of them.”

The stories don’t stop there.

In late June of this year, Mufasa was charged with CRUI (camel riding under the influence) and resisting arrest as he led policemen on a three-day chase.

“We would’ve gotten him sooner, but we were on foot,” recalled one of the arresting officers.

Mumbatoo then proceeded to back-bite everyone at the police station in the days following his arrest.

“Despite a few attempted murders, he hasn’t killed anyone yet. But if he doesn’t take a shower soon, I think he might,” remarked long-time neighbor Rafiki Udaiyoo. The wudu-impaired Mufasa hasn’t offered any form of prayer since the beginning of apartheid in 1948.

“He sometimes shows up to the masjid just before congregation and holds up the jamaat while we wait for him. He doesn’t even pray, he just shows up to make us wait on him. I hate that,” stated one local man.

When asked for comment on his misguided behavior, Mufasa replied, “Gotta love me. I’m still better than the world’s best non-Muslim.”

The world’s best non-Muslim, Stanley Thompson of Milwaukee, Wisconsin was unavailable for comment.

Muslims Form New Bloc Vote Organization: ‘Get Backstabbed 2004’

support
-
0
Muslims Form New Bloc Vote Organization: ‘Get Backstabbed 2004’

Washington, DC – The latest wave of political activism among Muslims in the United States has paved the way for a new platform for the 2004 election year. Inspired by George W. Bush’s turning of face, and an overwhelming Muslim bloc vote in 2000, organizers launch ‘Get Backstabbed 2004.’

“Our ongoing strategy is simple and straightforward,” explains organization chair Ismail Harris. “Find the candidate which is the least of the evils.”

Harris’s strategy is consistent with the organization’s tagline: ‘BOOM! The Lesser of Two Evils.’

The ideology behind the new organization is for a dozen individuals to select a single candidate and support them through a monolithic voting platform for the nation’s eight million Muslims.

Harris admits that candidate selection can be very difficult at times, especially when ideas and beliefs are inconsistent with Islam.

“Sometimes you have individuals who support homosexual values, abortion, and marijuana legalization, but at the same time take an anti-Israel stance. BOOM! The lesser of two evils,” Harris says enthusiastically.

Members of the organization realize the faux made with the bloc support of George W. Bush, with other Republicans in 2000, and say they will be more careful with their selection.

‘Get Backstabbed 2004’ Selection Committee Chairperson Aminah McGee says, “The candidate will make several promises to the Muslim people to establish his or her credibility.”

McGee further explains a contingency plan to be deployed after the election. “If the candidate becomes an elected official, and goes against his or her commitments, then we will raise our hands into the air and become very, very angry.”

In his speech to the Muslim community of Troy, candidate Pete Thornton (D) of Michigan said, “I don’t know if I can honor your needs in congress. Heck, I’ll probably vote against any Muslim interest. But what I need right now, is your vote.”

The new organization is expected to hand out rubber knives to drive the ‘backstabbing’ theme home.

Ismail Harris noted, “We’re basically moving at a speed of 500 miles an hour right now, overlooking many important issues. But we need to make some sort of impact if we are to survive as an entity in this country.”

1...272829...34Page 28 of 34