ELGIN, IL – Last Friday, a guest imam left worshippers baffled after delivering a sermon riddled with analogies of “building a house for the hereafter.” Unfortunately, his 90-minute speech was riddled with stray thoughts resulting from his attempt to simplify and relate to the audience.

“He started by saying all houses, like our lives, need a solid foundation,” stated one eyewitness. “Each good deed is a brick that helps build us a house in heaven and we need to be thoughtful with our actions.”

“Then he explained that bad deeds crumble the bricks and we need to abstain from them. But then he started talking about other building materials like stucco, so I was lost.”

The imam quickly expanded the metaphor and worshippers grew progressively more confused. He urged worshippers to look at the “big picture in life,” referencing items such as the “total cost of ownership, including heating and repairs” as a factor to consider when building their “hereafter house.”

The imam also stressed the importance of having an unfinished basement “with a full walkout” and urged worshippers to pay particular attention to the toilets and properly caulking the bathtub. He went on to deny hiring illegal, undocumented workers for lawn maintenance despite never being accused of doing so.

“I thought I saw where he was going with it,” stated another confused worshipper, “But then he went off on whether or not it’s a renters market and talking about Trulia.com. I think he asked us whether or not he should bid on a foreclosure.”

The imam was heard shouting, “Brothers, don’t sell yourselves short with a short sale of your life!”

The well-intentioned analogies took a dark turn when worshippers claim the imam dove into a tirade about financing and exclaimed, “Fannie and Freddie can suck it!” He also mentioned “[he] shouldn’t have gone with a home equity loan” and calling Islamic financing a “haram scam invented by Jews.”

“What the heck is co-ownership anyway? Isn’t it just another name for usury? Am I right?” the Imam remarked.

Many claim the Imam spent fifteen minutes angrily debating himself whether his mother should live with him or “[his] deadbeat older brother” in Kansas.

“I think he caught himself after about an hour,” claimed one worshipper. “He looked around confused, sat down, and continued the analogies in Arabic.”

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – It’s been nearly five years since the controversial opening of the Bay Area LGBT Islamic Center, commonly abbreviated as BALGBTIC. After initial firestorms of criticism and angered picketing, things have recently quieted and worshippers have settled into their routine.

And while many have grown accustomed to hearing “fabulous fatwas” or driving past the center’s “Disco Dome,” the LGBT Muslim community are cognizant of how far they have yet to go.

“Oh my God there’s this guy, Javid. I don’t know where to begin. He doesn’t get what we’re trying to do here,” stated one visibly flustered congregation member. While fanning himself, he continued, “Christopher told me that Stephen said that Daniel saw him move here maybe like six months ago? He so hasn’t been following what’s happening.”

“He’s like bigfoot,” stated BALGBTIC President Samak Dataas. “Some doubt he’s real but I’ve seen him. He shows up so quickly, prays, makes some awkward, disjointed small talk and leaves.”

According to witnesses that man, identified as 45 year old IT worker Javid Saleem, is often spotted randomly at the center. Seemingly ignorant of the Islamic Center’s unisex bathrooms and rainbow-colored partition, Saleem recently inquired about marrying “a modest sister from the masjid.”

“We keep telling him that’s not gonna happen,” stated Dataas. “We’re very accepting, but damn he can’t seem to take a hint.”

Walking past violent protests outside the mosque, Saleem remarked, “I agree, the parking lot is a joke.”

Some are growing frustrated. Last Friday after prayers in an attempt to be more obvious, Dataas announced, “We’ll soon undergo renovations since many of our bisexual and transgendered members have complained they’re forced to share a small room with no working speakers.”

Immediately thereafter, all eyes were on Saleem as he stared and smiled, seemingly unable to blink.

Dataas continued, asking for volunteers for the mosque’s annual production of the Rocky Horror Picture show and Saleem was heard shouting he “loves the cinema.”

“I know people don’t want to acknowledge there are gay Muslims out there, but at least acknowledge me when I’m standing in front of you waving a pink feather boa,” stated one angry member. “We have a huge Cher poster in the lobby, for goodness sake. I feel like he’s emotionally forcing me back into the closet.”

When asked by reporters if he’s aware BALGBTIC is a gay mosque, Saleem responded, “Yes they are all very happy. Like the dancing black in the video. Everyone is so well dressed and smells nice. I can only imagine what the sisters section is like. Do you know one?”

Many are questioning if Saleem understands English or might be a spy for straight Muslims. Others ponder if he’s blind, deaf or perhaps in subconsciously “in the closet” himself.