Muslims face increasing scrutiny as they struggle to reconcile their faith with broader, non-Muslim culture. What is your perspective on this phenomenon?
“Asssimulaikum. Hehehe…get it?”
Maya Hyder, Housewife
“I’ll tell you after I finish my beer, motherf#@%r!”
Johnny Kababa, Restaurant Owner
“Great. So now instead of polygamy, we’ll have polygavorce…polygadivorce. Or something.”
Shabaz Abdulla, Engineer
“HARAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!!”
Riaz Nader, Student
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SCHAUMBURG, IL – Yesterday afternoon, local authorities were called onto the scene of what witnesses described as “some white guy gone mad.”
Later identified by police as area resident Isa Zafar, the ordinarily tranquil man erupted in a frenzy of obscenities at a local restaurant/video store. Eyewitnesses claim that Zafar, 25, lapsed into a bout of temporary insanity prompted by restaurant owner/video clerk Muzamil Khalid.
“I just told the guy that the he might not want to try the nihari because it may be too much spicy and he may not like,” explained Khalid.
Zafar, formerly known as John Smith before converting to Islam a year ago, has dealt with warnings concerning spice-levels in food on a daily basis.
Close friends claim that Zafar has progressively grown very sensitive to Khalid’s spicy food warnings considering the fact that Khalid issues such warnings every time Zafar enters the eating establishment/video piracy ring.
HANOVER PARK, IL – At the corner table of a northwest suburban Long John Silvers sits 32 Year Old Zia Usmani. Immersed in the pirate haven ambiance of the establishment, Usmani awaits his three piece ‘Fish and More’ ordered just minutes prior.
Like many of his fellow Muslims, Usmani gave up eating non-zabiha meat three years ago in compliance of a more orthodox way of life.
“Just one bite of a juicy, flame broiled Whopper with cheese,” muttered the man under his breath.
Since his oath of no “outside meat,” Usmani has succumbed fifteen times to Whoppers, Big Macs, and Slim Jims. This time, however, he claims to be serious in his stride and plans to take preventive measures.
“Maybe if I say bismillah and spin three times it will be okay to eat it?”
As a plate copious with hushpuppies and coleslaw was delivered in front of him, witnesses observed Usmani frowning as he openly wept.
CLAREMONT, CA – Twenty-year-old Musa Hathout was disappointed last week when he found out that channel 96 was the home of the new ‘Crossroads’ Muslim lifestyles cable television channel.
The young Hathout made the discovery after he connected his new ClearMax 6000 cable box he bought from an eBay auction. The ClearMax 6000, along with other cable descramblers, allows viewers to clearly and illegally watch premium scrambled channels.
“My parents went to umrah last week, so I thought what better time to hook up the ClearMax,” the second year Cal Pomona student said.
Much to Musa’s chagrin, however, the first thing he saw was the new series, “Muslim Assimilation Hour with Paul Khalini.”
“It looked so different when it was all wavy and distorted. So much more… interesting.”
Musa Hathout still plans to keep the cable box in hopes of a future shift in the channel lineup. He also plans to find out what is on channel 97.
ROLLING MEADOWS, IL – Ahmed Bashir elicited few chuckles last Saturday during the Islamic Society of Northwest Suburbs’ annual fundraising dinner.
“I know nobody wants to listen to me when there is a delicious food right there, but you will have to wait,” Bashir said in his speech opening.
Scattered, polite laughter could be heard from the audience.
Afterwards, Bashir commented, “It’s funny to use food as bait for my audience you know.”
Not everyone had a polite reaction,however. Attendee Omar Saleh candidly commented, “Trust me the food ain’t delicious, but his speech ain’t any better. That [expletive] needs to step.”
It was the 12th time this month Bashir mentioned “waiting for dinner” during his customary two hour intro speech.
