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Why do you think so many arranged marriages are ending in divorce?

It seems marriages arranged by parents and family are yielding similar divorce rates to “non-traditional” Western approaches. What are your thoughts?

sis2

“I wouldn’t know. I’ve never been married. Yes, I know I’m pregnant, smartass.”
Aaliyah Malik, Student

bro7

“Probably because she used to look better 10 years ago.”
Bilal Akhtar, Donut Engineer

bro6

“Take a look at the masjid parking lot on Jum’ma and tell me how great we are at arranging things.”
Isa Johnson, Doctor

bro5

“I don’t know, but my sister-in-law is HOT!”
Lastwik bin Layadoff, Unemployed IT Worker

Check out more Islamica Asks.

95% Zabiha Halal Not Enough: Controversy Erupts Over New Restaurant

'Kinda OK' hopes to avoid the fate of it's 90% zabiha halal predecessor, 'Kinda Haram.'

DEVON, IL – Yesterday, protesters gathered outside the grand opening of a new restaurant named “Kinda OK” on the famous Devon restaurant district.

Proudly proclaiming “95% Zabiha Halal Meat”, owners of the partially-permissible eating establishment maintain that reduced “zabihaness” allows them to save certain costs in food preparation, thus passing the savings along to their customers.

“We learned a lot from our failings. Our first restaurant was 90% zabiha halal but it’s clear that the market demanded more zabiha halal. We thought we’d up the ante to 95% with ‘Kinda OK’ and we’re confident that the consumers will respond,” explained co-owner Needan Akhal.

The restaurant menu features an assortment of semi-permissible treats and quasi-blessed foods including “Half-blessed” kabobs, “What’s In Them” Samosas and “Don’t Ask” Soup.

The mob of protestors, however, grew angrier throughout the day and shouts of “This is a cannot happen!” were common.

“What they are think is they do?” remarked one protestor. “This is so much of the stupid. What is a next thing, halal hotdogs?”

Oddly enough, the restaurant had a handful of patrons despite the fierceness of protestors.

“I’m not sure if this is all good or not but I figured that since I eat at McDonalds all the time, maybe 95% Zabiha Halal might give me 95% of the blessings that I ordinarily miss out on,” stated one patron who asked to remain anonymous.

Confusion broke out towards closing time for “Kinda OK” as protestors started to get hungry and a handful wandered into the restaurant for a bite to eat.

Random E-mail Getting Strange

Authorities believe this Internet cafe / telemarketing organization may have originated the e-mails in question.

SAN JOSE, CA – A random e-mail message sent this past Friday to sister Zenab Khan, 20, is beginning to become a cause for concern.

“It started off innocently enough. He told me his name is Wahir and that we met at a wedding this past summer and he explained that he got my e-mail address from a common friend of ours,” explained Khan. “For an uncle, he seemed real cool at first. But then it got weird.”

Weird in several ways, explained Khan.

Local authorities familiar with the sender of the e-mail identified him as Wahir Gufbol, a 32 year-old computer programmer.

“He hasn’t been arrested or anything yet,” stated on officer who asked to remain anonymous. “He’s just one of those wierdos that scares people and unfortunately we can’t do anything about it until something actually happens.”

Police psychologists explained that Gufbol, suspected for pathologically stalking at least three other area women, exhibits many symptoms of first-degree emotional infancy.

“Every sentence in his e-mail ended with either two exclamation points or question marks”, a teary Khan recalled.

“Sometimes he would even ask a question but the sentence would end with two exclamation points. What am I supposed to think? This is so confusing.”

“He didn’t even end a single sentence with a period. It was always an ellipses…”

Upon the advice of close friends, Khan has decided to not respond to the e-mail and hopes that the older, lonelier Gufbol will forget.

“I don’t know what may happen but I think I’ll add him to my junk mail list or something. He really creeps me out.”

Muslimarriage.com Alleged To Be Modified Shopping Cart

DESPERITO, CA – Controversy erupted earlier this week in dot-com land when reports began surfacing regarding a new Muslim matrimonial site. Muslimarriage.com came under fire with allegations that the site is nothing more than a poorly-modified shopping cart.

That isn’t the only thing frustrating visitors of the site.

“I double-clicked my way to a divorce,” stated one disheartened patron. “They don’t have any protection against mis-clicking. I double-clicked instead of a single click and received two wives by accident.”

Speculations were further fueled by the Web promotions on the site including a polygamous “marry one, get two free.”

The quality of service is also becoming an issue for the young Web enterprise. Additional customer frustrations radiate from the fact that potential immigrant spouses aren’t clearly labeled with a “no English” caption.

Muslimarriage.com owners are no strangers to controversy. Earlier this year, a sister website entitled ShaadiBay.com attempted to promote Matrominal auctions.

Critics Question Homeland Security Additions

Ashcroft demonstrates the annoying sounds agents can now employ when dealing with suspected terrorists.

WASHINGTON, DC – Last Wednesday, Attorney General John Ashcroft announced a new addition to the Homeland Securities plan.

“To ensure security within our boundaries, agents will now be given the liberty to call suspects the following: raghead, camel jockey, Johnny 10 wives, and Khalil,” Ashcroft stated.

“This will empower our agents with tools to ensure targeting the root of terrorism residing here in the United States.”

Ashcroft also noted that agents could wave their index fingers in the faces of suspects and make annoying sounds.

“This continues our commitment to ensuring the safety of every non-Muslim/Arab US citizen,” stated Ashcroft. “Right now, we’re pushing for additional legislation that will allow agents to shave the beards of suspects to help reduce risk of the dreaded ‘Beard Bombs’ we believe to be in existence.”

The state department noted the new policies would go into effect immediately.

HALL OF FAME