FBI Cracks Down On Lemonade Stand Ring: Continues To Sour Relations With Arab Community

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BRIDGEVIEW, IL – In its growing paranoia of domestically funded international terrorism, the FBI announced a systematic crackdown of a chain of Arab-owned lemonade stands.

The lemonade stands, operated under the name “Lemonarabade” and owned predominantly by Arab youth ranging in ages between 5 and 7, are suspected of collectively generating enough revenue to fund the global operations of “Hizbul-Squeeze”, a radical organization known for its random violent attacks and a recent background vocal performance with pop-artist Sting.

In a news conference Wednesday, FBI Spokesperson for the Special Division on Arab People and Their Kids Paul Stevenson told reporters, “We believe these refreshment stands, though cute and innocent at first glance, are in fact havens for lemony madness.”

“A nickel here and a nickel there and all of a sudden, you have a nuclear warhead aimed at a Tel-Aviv street market.”

The Bureau was tipped off when they noticed similar characteristics across the network of lemon-based businesses.

“When our special team discovered that all the lemons being used at these stands were Sunkist brand…and all the kids were Arab, we knew it smelled like terrorism,” stated FBI Chief Investigator Ralph Wiggum.

Wiggum went on to say that the children at these stores would high five each other and yell “Allah-Hu-Akbar (God is great)” after every sale.

The Arab community expressed outrage regarding the raid, labeling the action “another act of aggression by Billy Clinton.”

“It’s just like ‘The Siege’, only with lemonade,” commented Sami Dumee, father of Dami Dumee, manager of the Spring Valley Dr. Lemonarabade stand. “How will I explain to my kid that he doesn’t have any lemons?”

The younger Dumee reflected on the raid at his stand last Tuesday. “They came in with big bistols and started to squish the lemons. I was scared. I did not know what to do. I felt like an Elian Gonzales.”

Arab-Americans are expected to respond to these latest actions by boycotting the FBI, distributing informational pamphlets entitled “Lemon-Taking Infidels,” as well as random ululations into the night.

FBI Spokesman Stevenson defended the Bureau’s position and pointed out, “When life hands you lemons, you make Gatorade, not bombs.”

Local Jamaat Wins Celebrity Vans In Auction: "You can't find deals like this on eBay, baby!"

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MOBILE, AL – “This is no normal Sunday,” says a proud Naveed Abu Jalil from the Mobile chapter of the Jammat-e-Modawa. No normal Sunday indeed. No worrying how all 12 members will fit into their ’83 primer gray Ford Econoline van. No fear of having to pull off the big interstate only to be peering blankly into an overheated radiator. No drudgery of carrying 12 bags of pita from the van to the nearest rest area.

“Like I said, no normal Sunday!”

Plagued by a number of hapless instances, the jamaat decided it was time to address their lack of a reliable means of transportation. Last week, Abu Jalil deviated from his routine of showing up to various residences unexpectedly and took his posse of middle-aged Muslim males to a celebrity auction held in the outskirts of Mobile.

Rashad Tilawi, a new member of the Jamaat reflected on the planning of this large endeavor.

“Boss [referring to Abu Jalil] said the best way we could address the need was to go to this celebrittney spears auction, so then I thought… okay boss!” Tilawi then cleared his throat and spit out a huge wad of phlegm.

The Jamaat returned from the auction quite pleased, sporting two vans used in past television sitcoms.

“We held an unveiling of the vans ceremony yesterday after the local community potluck,” Abu Jalil said. “It was quite a spectacle, you should have been there.”

The ceremony included undraping the vans, one of which was “The Mystery Machine” from the show Scooby Doo, and the other being from “The A-Team.”

“You can’t find deals like this on eBay, baby!” exclaimed Tilawi.

Youngest Member Waheed Muzzamil reflected on his partaking of yesterday’s events.

“When Rashad pulled the bed sheet off the van, I opened up the sliding door yelling ‘scooby dooby dooooo!'”

The energetic young Muzzamil dazzled everyone with his less than accurate impressions of the cartoon dog. “Then I downed a bag of those tasty Scooby Snacks, which between you and me, were really burned pakoras.”

Muzzamil concluded his performance by inadvertently slipping on his broken bathroom slipper.

The Jamaat has future plans to mold its member’s personalities to that of the characters from the television shows.

“But let me say this, we have to establish the ground rules!” Abu Jalil sternly pointed out. “My men can be anyone they want, but whoever plays the Velma or Daphne must wear hijab, and can’t go sneaking off with Fred in the middle of the show!”

Abu Jalil provided his discourse of a Muslim Mr. T as well. “He must call himself Brother T, wear silver chains, and put on a mohawk kufee.”

Abu Jalil is also optimistic about local Muslims actually opening the door when the Jamaat pulls up in their driveways.

“If you see The A-Team in your driveway, you just have to open the door because, hey, A-Team, you know?”

Speedy Imam Leaves Everyones Head Spinning: Reports of Numerous Injuries

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VAVA, VA – Paramedics were on the scene at a local Virginia masjid after county officials received numerous calls of injuries and nausea.

Imam Spidi Arbi reportedly lead the noon congregational prayer at a breakneck pace. The record-setting speed led many worshippers to experience dizziness, whiplash and three reported concussions during sujood (prostration).

“He reads too damn fast. It was a matter of time,” stated one victim while rubbing his neck. “Next time I see this guy leading, I’ll wait 30 seconds until he’s done and pray on my own.”

No charges have been filed at this time.

Man Showers For 23 Hours After Being Licked by Dog

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CHATHAM, NJ – A New Jersey area man remains in trauma today after suffering from what he believes to be a vicious dog attack.

“Get it off me!” yelled Faraz Khan approximately 23 hours after being licked by ‘Droobie’, the neighbor’s four year-old terrier. “A doggy’s lick is dry…it never washes off!”

Khan says he plans to take more showers as well as attempt bathing in Lysol.

Friends Stumble Upon Lifelong Misunderstanding of Bathroom Procedure

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DRY RIVER, AZ – In an embarrassing discovery of personal hygiene, 24 year-old Shah Kalim accidentally revealed his lifelong misunderstanding of lota usage.

“I thought it was to wet the toilet paper,” a shocked Kalim told a group of people at a dinner last Friday. “Don’t tell me you guys didn’t think the same thing.”

Friends, who were overcome by laughter, assured everyone that they would brief Kalim of proper lota procedure.

Islamicorp Releases Virtual Jum’ma: Exciting Software Debuts "Plug and Pray" Technology

SILIKHAN DESERT, CA – According to a press release this morning, Islamicorp President Samir Sansalat ushered in a new era of Islamic software. Named “Virtual Jum’ma”, the latest software release by the makers of “CyberWudu” and “E-Hajj” promises to continue the efforts by the California-based software giant.

“We developed this program because we feel that the technology is finally in place to allow for it to happen”, stated Sansalat. “Quite often, I find myself too busy to go to prayers and I feel really guilty when I miss out on Jum’ma. Now I don’t have to.”

Users of the software are transported into the “Virtual Masjid”, which is a modified level from the popular Quake computer game. When entering the Virtual Masjid, users are given their first challenge by finding a place to store their “virtual sandals.” Once inside the prayer hall, the “virtual e-mam” gives a “virtual khutba” to the user and other “virtual Muslims.”

“It’s virtually amazing! Get it??? Why doesn’t anybody get that joke?” stated Sansalat during our phone interview.

To add further levels of realism to the prayer experience, animated characters scroll by every two minutes asking the user to “please donate generously to the Virtual Masjid.” The software also requires users to click on banner advertising every minute in order to be diverted from the speech. Failure to click on a banner ad results in the loss of your “virtual wudu.”

Islamicorp called on the talents of those involved in real-life masjids to assist in the development effort for the Virtual Masjid. One man brought on in the early stages of software development was world-renowned sign maker Ayman Bughali.

“I got to make the signs!” he exclaimed with glee. “You see that one that says ‘Welcome to Wirtual Realty Musjit’? I did that one. But they would not let me make the estop sign…”

Islamicorp made sure to add features to broaden the appeal of their product, as well.

“We added a feature called the ‘Quick mode’ that allows you to opt out of the khutba completely and just catch the final two virtual rukus – just like in real life,” boasted Sansalat.

“We also added some cheat codes that will allow you to speed up the khutba, steal someone else’s shoes on the way out, and turn on the air conditioning so you don’t have to see everyone sweat.”

The premise of the software has some area Imams visibly upset.

“What I do for the now on?” lamented Imam Bilal Urduwalla, well known for giving Urdu khutbas despite the fact that his Friday congregation consists entirely of eastern European Muslims. “I will be finding these Virtual Jum’ma guy a giving him a piece of my tongue.”

Area Youth Thinks He’s Really Great at Basketball

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DES PLAINES, IL – Late Saturday, 11 year-old Mohsin Hashmi of Des Plaines challenged all Chicago suburban youth between the ages of seven and eleven to a game of 1-on-1 basketball.

“Bring them on,” cried the young athlete, boasting his second place Young Men’s Muslim Association Tournament trophy.

“I’ll take them on any elementary school court.”

Most local-area youth have taken the challenge seriously and begun to train for a possible bout with the self-proclaimed basketball superstar.

Repeat Ifreet

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Dear Islamica,

I’m not sure where to turn. I’m really embarrassed to get advice from my friends or family because I don’t think they’ll understand. Every time I try to pray, I hear my favorite N’Sync song playing over and over again in my head. I try to block it out, but it’s hopeless. I need help! How do I say “Bye, Bye, Bye” to the song forever repeating in my head??

– Repeet Ifreet

This is what you get for listening to bad music. Music like this (if you consider it to be music) is probably the reason many Muslims only consider the drum (daf or duff) permissible.

After all, when’s the last time you’ve had some daf stuck in your head? Unless, of course, your name is Homer Simpson.

“Silent But Deadly” Samir

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Dear Islamica,

If you can’t hear it, does it still break it?

– “Silent But Deadly” Samir

You pose an interesting question. It’s an issue that has perplexed scholars and educators for ages.

Think about it: what is an Imam supposed to do if he passes gas while he’s leading the prayers? Technically he’s supposed to finish prayer, redo his wudu afterward, and lead another makeup prayer in his newly-cleansed state.

What if he stopped in the middle, though? Could you imagine the chaos that would ensue?

Is someone supposed to boldly leap into the Imam’s vacant, odoriferous spot and lead the jamaat? And what if no one steps up to the challenge? Does everyone just pause and wait for the Imam to return from performing wudu? And what if no one catches on to the fact that the Imam broke wind once he stops and leaves?

Confusion would pollute the jamaat as everyone would think that the Imam simply quit and left. Utter chaos. Never have we witnessed or even heard about an Imam leaving the prayer to re-execute his wudu.

We sought the advice of a local Imam regarding this issue. With a half smile, he stated, “If nobody can smell it or hear it, you just keep going. You just have to watch what you eat before you lead the prayers.”

No wonder we never see him at Taco Bell.

Distressed Hairorist

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Dear Islamica,

I know it’s Sunnah to grow a beard, but I can only seem to grow a mustache. What’s a girl to do?

– Hairy Huma

Although we applaud your efforts at achieving follicular Sunnah, we’re pretty sure that growing a beard applies only to males.

If you’re intent on sporting a beard, however, you can always ingest hormones to catalyze hair growth. Of course, there is a strong propensity for unwanted hair growth and violent mood swings, accompanied by irritability and random nausea.

You might want to consider another option, which is to shave the barren facial area several times a day to spur rapid hair growth.

We’re reminded of the story of a man we’ll anonymously call “Mirza Baig”.

He desperately wanted to grow a goatee at the young age of 13. Consequently, he shaved his chin and surrounding areas incessantly, anywhere from 3-10 times daily. In a matter of two weeks, Mirza had a flourishing, Brillo-Pad of a goatee and was the very reason his Jr. High had to implement a “Facial Hair” clause in the Code of Conduct booklet.

So shave on sister, there is hope for you yet!