Area Imam Tweeting Way Too Much: Followers Beginning to Regret Their Decision

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ANYWHERESVILLE, VA – Last week after Friday prayer, Shaikh Khalid Mabuti asked members of his congregation to follow him on his newly registered @ShaikhMabuti Twitter account.

Several days later, many of those followers are voicing regret.

“He said he’d post masjid updates there,” stated one member. “At first, I was really excited to see the imam on Twitter. But now it’s just annoying. He tweets every few minutes. It’s worse than my 12-year old sister.”

Witnesses stated that in the past hour, the imam has retweeted @Hadithoftheday eight times, posted five selfies, ranted about a smell coming from the wudu area, and mentioned that Sunday school classes are cancelled.

Given the frequency of the tweets, many are questioning if the imam live-tweets during prayer.

“I’d unfollow him,” stated another follower, speaking on the condition of anonymity, “but he actually throws something useful in there once in a while so I’m worried I might miss out. Then again, his post-midnight tweets really creep me out. I’m not sure he knows how to send a private DM.”

At press time, the imam tweeted a picture of his banana captioned “About to have lunch” followed by another tweet requesting sisters to connect with his Snapchat.

Retiring Imam Selects Jon Stewart as Successor: Hamza Yusuf To Call it Quits "In a Few Years"

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BERKELEY, CA – Ending years of speculation, Celebrity Imam Hamza Yusuf announced his retirement “in the next few years” and selected Jon Stewart as his successor.

“I feel proud of all that we’ve been able to accomplish,” stated Yusuf, “But I look forward to some time away from the spotlight. [Jon] was the natural choice given his charisma, talent and knowledge of the faith. The ummah will be in good hands, insh’Allah. I won’t pull a Leno.”

When asked why the move was announced so far in advance, Yusuf stressed the need to be prepared, given “how late [Muslims] are to everything.”

Yusuf cited the Daily Show host’s depth of knowledge as one of the key reasons for the decision. Stewart seems to possess far greater knowledge of Islam and global Muslim culture than many Muslims, several of whom were confused as to who Hamza Yusuf might be or what an “imam” is.

“Wat r this lol idk,” tweeted one eyewitness, adding, “#confuzzled.”

Supporters add Stewart has done more than many prominent Muslim clerics to defend their faith in light of its harshest critics. However not all are happy about the move.

“I really thought this was going to be my moment,” lamented Conan O’Brien. “Jay probably had something to do with this.”

Another confused Muslim pondered, “Why can’t he stay? I didn’t know an imam could retire. Does he have an Islamic 401k or something?”

Most, however, are expressing cautious optimism.

“A lot of Muslims already know who he is and God knows my feed is full of Daily Show clips,” stated one supporter. “This isn’t a big stretch. Let’s just hope he can grow a better beard than [Imam Hamza] Yusuf.”

Halalcohol Introduces ‘TAK Beer’: And 'TAK Beer Lite' For Moderates

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ST. LOUIS, MO – Time to get your spiritual buzz on. The company that brought the world halal alcohol ten years ago, is again revolutionizing the industry with the unveiling of ‘TAK Beer.’

Ismail Khalid, CEO of Halalcohol, believes the new beverage will take the Muslim market by storm.

“Every time we introduce TAK Beer to crowds, they respond with ‘Allah-u-Akbar.’ They must really like the product,” Khalid said.

Khalid also has a first name for a last name.

Sales of ‘TAK Beer’ will begin this summer and orders are now being accepted.

Saudi Legalizes Left Hand Marriage: Landmark Move For Equality in the Muslim World

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RIYADH, KSA – Seeking to stem the tide of anti-government sentiment within the region, King Abdullah announced that left-handed Muslims are now granted government-recognized marriage rights and benefits.

“The dirties can now have the marriage,” declared a visibly disgusted King Abdullah.

For many lefties in the Muslim world, shame and family pressure forces them into leading a right-handed lifestyle in public. Prior to the ruling, marriage amongst two left-handed individuals was impossible.

“All that has now changed,” gleamed Mujahid Abbas, a left-handed migrant worker from Bangladesh. “I’m still essentially slave class here, but now I can marry another lefty and maybe have left-handed children one day.”

Let’s Focus on the Real Issue Here: By Baby Musa

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I’ve been thrust into the spotlight recently and the family’s been reading these articles to me at mealtime. My lawyers have advised me to stay silent but to be honest, I’m compelled to correct the narrative outlined by mass media.

I take full responsibility for my actions. I threw a few things. I should not have acted impulsively. But alas, I am a baby and lack the mental and physical faculty of my older peers.

It’s the sad truth I live with everyday. I wonder what happens if I stick my finger in this.

Unfortunately hearing some of the comments, most people seem to be missing the plot. Did anyone stop to question why the police are getting involved in a billing issue by the utility company? Nope. Instead, we see the following.

“Isn’t he so cute?”

“I could just eat him up.”

“Awww! Look at him drooling!”

I’m flattered. Really, I am. But there’s a larger theme people must realize. We are a young country. We’re dealing with growing pains including brain drain from the exodus of talent to other countries and regions.

Where did my toy blocks go?

This whole circus with the trial underscores the systematic failure and corruption of our government. Anyone who lives here understands that police bribery runs rampant. The legal system is rigged with the powerful running things and the powerless being left to fend for themselves. After reading this, I’m sure they’ll find a way to pin drug charges on me.

On top of it all, having US drones randomly killing people doesn’t help. We have no real, lasting sense of security. And over time, even good people become desperate. Desperation becomes compounded and lawlessness will prevail.

Hold on while I lick this window. Yuck. Bitter.

It’s especially sad knowing that that ignorants are preparing to pin this on religion and skin color.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we Pakistanis need to find a way to work together towards a common goal. Only together will we succeed. We often say “Pakistan Zindabad (long life to Pakistan)” but what does that mean when our quality of life is so poor?

Uh-oh. I did poopy.

Muslim Nerds Translate Quran to Klingon: Nobody Sure Why

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ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL – Speaking before a small crowd gathered in a residential basement earlier today, a group of cosplay Muslims proudly unveiled their Klingon translation of the Holy Quran.

Repeatedly asking reporters refer to them as a qorDu’, the clan was led by a rotund man known only by his pseudonym of “rol lam”.

“My real name is unimportant. And it’s a qorDu’, not a clan” insisted Lam prior to yelling upstairs, demanding his mother “bring down the peanut butter sandwiches.”

Drawing his bat’leth to cut the sandwiches, Lam explained the translation was the culmination of years of effort. “At first, we really didn’t know what we were doing, but we knew that we wanted to do something. And stop calling me Lam. It’s ‘rol lam’.”

The clan’s original vision was to create a Muslim Klingon conference. That idea fizzled, however, after realizing their numbers are disappointingly low.

“Not counting Shias, there are about a dozen Muslim Klingons in the world,” he stated. “Percentage-wise, that’s a great number compared to all Klingons out there but it’s not enough for a meetup or conference. Even if we tossed in the Shias we’re looking at 18 tops.”

“Plus, many folks couldn’t get their parent or legal guardian’s permission,” explained the 47-year old single man, allowing his gaze to drift momentarily and reflect on the choices that led him to this point in life. He was supposed to be a doctor. Why couldn’t he get his life together?

Suddenly snapping back to reality, he continued, “How did…what was I…saying? Oh yes. A few years later we realized that Arabic is so linguistically similar to Klingon the ideas started flowing. I’d like us to be remembered as the ones who brought the message to Qo’noS.”

The press conference was followed up with a live reading of the translation. Unfortunately, many left after refreshments were depleted approximately a quarter of the way through Surah Al-Baqarah.

Islamic School Hosts Annual Misspelling Bee

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Islamic School Hosts Annual Misspelling Bee

SPRINGFIELD, MA – For the fifth consecutive time, the Islamic Institute of Educate Very Good, located in central Massachusetts, hosted it’s annual butchering of the English language.

With most faculty unable to properly spell, students were struggling with the school’s initial attempts at a spelling bee.  That’s when the staff decided to forgo the rules of correctness in favor of the current, misspelled format.

“It’s kind of weird,” stated one student. “None of the teachers really know what they’re doing so it ends up being a test of endurance.”

Last year, hyperactive five-year old Hakim Ahmed won after a grueling 18-hour standoff. The winning word was “stop” which Ahmed spelled as “s-t-4-apple-mama!” followed by a tearful breakdown and pleas to go home from the judges.

“We are excite, you know,” stated School Principal Ayman Bughali. “All of the boys and the girl even, they are aroused and hope win all [unintelligible]. We want them all win all the thing.”

Struggling Al-Qaeda Hires First Chief Marketing Officer: Razak bin-Alwaiz Saleeby Assumes Chief Marketer Post

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MAHNA MAHNA, YEMEN – Struggling to maintain relevance in a climate of increased terror choices including Boko Haram and ISIS, Al-Qaeda senior management recently announced the hiring of Razak bin-Alwaiz Saleeby, the organizations first-ever CMO.

In a grainy video posted to Naseeb.com, a popular online terrorist forum, the new CMO quickly established his credentials, including an MBA from a diploma mill in the Caribbean, and spoke candidly to the masses.

“I’m not going to lie. I know what I signed up for. We have serious issues with our brand perception”, stated Saleeby. “Online buzz is at an all-time low. The FBI won’t stop hacking us. The NSA is getting more hate on Twitter than us. Recruiting is a mess compared to ISIL or ISIS or whatever they’re calling themselves.”

Saleeby went on to stress that the terrorist group must connect with a new generation of disenfranchised youth and psychopaths. “Youth marketing is huge. We need to attract followers to replace martyrs. Our marketing has to go far beyond Likes and retweets.”

Saleeby went on to cite past blunders in Al-Qaeda’s marketing efforts, including having their hashtags hijacked by actual hijackers, and the infamous 2011 “Tower Rangers” campaign commemorating 10 years of post-9/11 terror.

“[The Tower Rangers] were a catastrophic failure. They looked great on paper but we hired lackluster partners to execute and wound up with a low-budget, incoherent 3-hour video even LiveLeak wouldn’t post. I think it ended up on Turkish TV,” lamented Saleeby.

Elaborate on his top priorities, Saleeby noted, “We’re going to issue a formal RFP for social, mobile and PR.”

While he wouldn’t go into details of who’s invited to pitch the business it’s safe to assume that big agency partners will be thrown into the mix with smaller startups. Rumors are buzzing that “Hamas & Falafel”, a creative team from Yemen who survived a botched car bombing, will be included alongside incumbent Wieden+Kennedy Palestine.

“We’ve got to get back to our roots and reignite the passion and intense hatred that made us so special,” remarked Saleeby. “If we can’t do that then it might be time for a rebrand. New logo, maybe a slogan, a jingle, everything. There are no sacred cows. If I can’t get this right then I know it’s not too long before my head rolls.”

Muslim Doctors Create Frankenhafiz: Scientific Marvel Bewilders Supporters and Critics Alike

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HOUSTON, TX – Yesterday, Muslim scientists from various parts of the world came together in a collaborative effort to produce the world’s first-ever “Frankenhafiz.” The distinguished professors and doctors unveiled their first prototype last evening at the Texas Medical Center in Houston.

The debut included an incoherent sermon about something, followed later with an uncontrollable outburst of child abuse by the monster. Officials ultimately used torches to subdue the beast and assured onlookers that the abuse was part of the Frankenhafiz’s pre-programmed behavioral pattern.

Community members were skeptical of a beast being present around their children, but did acknowledge the need for a monster-hafiz fusion.

Local community leader Wallace Mehmood later commented, “Frankenhafiz has the disciplinary dominance of a Frankenstein, but lacks the charisma and charm of a female vampire, you know what I mean, doggie?”

Fans of Frankenhafiz are quick to point out that he is of stable mind, unlike his predecessors ‘Whereimam’ and ‘Islampire.’

The evening concluded with a recitation by Frankenhafiz consisting of muffled moans and groans.

Community in Panic as Backup Imam Actually Called Upon: Congregation Members Fearful of Potential Outcome

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GLENDALE HEIGHTS, IL – “We knew we had to have one. You know, in case the real imam can’t lead prayers,” states an anonymous member from the third row.

This worshipper echoes the sentiments of many in the congregation as the backup imam was called on to lead prayers for the first time since “the incident” in 1973.

Regular Imam Nabeel Chaudry fell to illness shortly after fajr and rumors began shortly after sunrise that the backup imam may, in fact, need to be called upon to lead the afternoon Zuhr prayer. Masjid spokesmen continued to deny these rumors up until 1:05 when the call to prayer was actually performed.

To the surprise of many in the congregation, the backup imam stepped up to the front and iqamat was initiated.

“I wasn’t around then, but I’ve heard stories,” comments Adnan Bhatt, 17, from the back row. “I heard they had to correct him 15 times and the whole congregation went to hell!”

Brothers and sisters alike are reacting with confusion and concerns. “I hope we can hear him back there because, like, the worst thing that could happen is going down in sajda and not hearing him when we have to come back up,” states one of three sisters in the congregation. “It’d be like, ‘Hello, do we get up or what?’ You know what I’m saying?”

Microphone feedback was quite prominent as the first takbir was performed. Congregation members hope that this won’t be an omen as to how the rest of this ruku will be performed.

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