Seconds before Marine One lifted him away from White House grounds, Trump turned around and stunned observers as he shouted, “Allah-hu-Akbar!”
“It was bizarre,” described journalist Millie Andrews.
“He stopped for a second, turned around, and shouted the Muslim chant of ‘God is Great’ in arabic.”
Melania Trump could be seen donning a zebra striped burqa shortly thereafter.
Witness said they could hear ululations sound fade out into the sky.
Sugarland, TX – A mysterious Toyota Camry monolith appeared in a Houston area mosque parking lot during Friday prayers, blocking in other attendees as they tried to get back to work.Late arriving worshippers were bewildered as they ran past the 2010 Camry LE obelisk carelessly positioned between two giant “No Parking” signs.
Imam Khalid Mabuti of the Islamic Center of Sugarland made an announcement, urging the owner to immediately move the 11 ft tall geometric slab, or risk being towed.“If you are the owner of a silver Toyota Camry monolith with an ‘I Love Islam’ bumper sticker, please move it now as you’re preventing all of these IT workers from returning to their livelihoods.
”The Imam’s announcement prompted all 500 worshippers to run out and check if the monolith was theirs.“With a description like that, everyone assumed it was their own,” said mosque attendee Kareem Abdullah as he waited in a standstill queue of 100 other Camrys.
“When it comes to vehicle selection, I guess you could say the Muslim community IS a monolith.”
By late afternoon, the hashtag #JUMANOLITH started to trend on Twitter.
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A suburban Indian-American man spent 10 minutes at his door trying to explain to neighborhood trick-or-treaters that he isn’t Count Dracula. 39 year old Syed Hussain opened the door to children wearing a sherwani, (a formal longcoat commonly worn in parts of India), chewing paan, as red syrup oozed from the sides of his mouth.
“Are you Dracula?” inquired a little girl in a princess costume, as she waited for Hussain to fill her bag with candy.
“What? No. I’m not the Dracula.” responded Hussain in a heavy Indian accent, visibly offended by the monstrous association.
“I am wearing the sherwani for family wedding and chewing the paan… you know the paan?”
Hussain then reached in his bowl and distributed one pack of Shahi Deluxe to each child.
“This is supari. It is like a Indian jawbreaker. Highly addictive. You will like.”
“Is that why your teeth are like that?” asked another kid.
“Like what?” replied a confused Hussain.
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The following is an opinion piece by French cartoonist and provocateur Jacques Moulin, and does not represent the viewpoints of Islamica News.
Bonjour! It is moi, your favorite Frenchman and rabble rouser, Jacques Moulin. This week I tried to piss off my breakfast croissant because it was slightly burned, and I was like “you look like refugee croissant, you probably hate our freedoms. Go back to ISIS Boulangerie! I draw cartoon of you now and make you angry and then get everyone to feel sorry for me when you lash out… Blah!”
Anyways, I… how you say… digress. Oui?
Maybe you saw it in daily paper, but I drew a picture of the Prophet Muhammad, and quite frankly, I’m disappointed with the response it got. One measly, half-assed beheading. This is unacceptablah!
As France’s top provocateur this side of the Seine, this is total embarrassment. I put a lot of extra work into that piece… even added some extra, extra mockery. Did they not see it? Did they not appreciate my attempts at eliciting an emotionally charged outrage?!? I MEAN THERE’S 1.8 BILLION OF THEM… YOU THINK THERE WOULD BE A MUCH MUCH BIGGER REACTION. Not even .00000001% of them did anything? Nothing. This is bull crepe.
And now i’m miserablah.
Look the only way I can get sympathies is if they do something. But it seems I can’t even get many of them to react. Maybe i’m losing my touch?
No i must push on! Vive la provocateur!
Can i get a “Je suis Jacques Moulin?”
On Friday, congregants at the Meadows Islamic Center were subjected to an 11 minute, animated version of the call to prayer by fellow mosque attendee and Theatre major Hasan Khan. Khan enthusiastically filled-in as the voluntary Mu’azzin (name for the person who gives the Islamic call to prayer, the Adhan), introducing his own extended version, chok-full of dramatic pauses and impressive vocals ranging from bass to soprano.
Khan’s acting resume includes performances from his high school musical productions of “Little Shop of Horrors” and “Marry Poppins,” and more recently a community theater role in “Guys and Dolls.”
Worshipper Hisham Abdullah described the moment as “bizarre and uncomfortable.”
“I’m pretty sure the first half of the Adhan was sung to the tune of ‘Ave Maria,'” recalled Abdullah as he searched for his shoes after prayer.
“It was strange. At the end, he turned around and bowed. I think he was expecting us to shower him with roses?”
While most mosque attendees were irked by the delays and histrionics of it all, some were moved and described Khan’s adhan as a “ballad sans music.”
“It’s almost as if he took us on a journey with him, entertaining us along the way,” said a teary-eyed Mustafa Ali who sat in the front row of the prayer hall during the performance.
“I think I gave him a standing ovation at the end. I think I was the only one who gave him a standing ovation at the end.”
Khan is expected to give the adhan at next week’s Friday prayer, and is reportedly working on an interpretive dance version.
An Arkansas man recognized for his invaluable contributions to the conservative lexicon widely adopted by Trump supporters and internet trolls, passed away from Covid-19 earlier today.
John “Dusty” McPhilips came up with popular conservative terms and phrases such as ‘libtard,’ ‘sheeple,’ ‘dumocrat,’ and ‘lamestream media.’ His prolific work helped millions of right-wing keyboard warriors add just the right amount of zing to their rebuke of “liberals destroying America.”
“There ain’t a comments section or discussion thread on the internet that don’t got true freedom lovers using them words,” commented McPhilips teary-eyed friend and fellow patriot Tim Hansen.
“It seemed like just yesterday we were sharing memes about Obummer being a secret Muslim.”
In a 2015 prime-time television interview, McPhilips revealed how he came up with the word “libtard.”
“I was sitting there in front of my computer drinkin’ my beer, you know enjoyin my freedoms,” said McPhilips wearing a Confederate Flag trucker hat and an undersized wife beater shirt.
“I kept looking at the word ‘liberal’ on one side of my screen, and the word ‘retard’ on the other. And I went back and forth for three dad-gum hours. And then all of a sudden I yelled ‘TARDLIB’ out loud!”
McPhilips went on to refine the word in the weeks to come, after some trial and deliberation.
McPhilips last tweet on July 22 was a comprehensive word salad of his favorite hits, which read: “Globalist dumocrats and their cabal of sheeples are promoting there marxist, comunist ways through masks, deep state, BLM, Antifa, and Shariah Law. It’s all a big HOAX. There ain’t no VIRUS! Wake up! #MAGA #KAG P.S. Obama still coming for your guns!”
According to Hansen, McPhilips had been working on something “big” and was going to wait until next month to unveil his magnum opus.
“He was going to introduce the nickname ‘Dr Fauxi’ into the world on a Breitbart website page… Ya gone way too soon Dusty!”
McPhilip’s funeral was delayed after the inscription for his tombstone was flagged by an admin.
Skokie, IL – Panic ensued as Zeeshan Rizvi invoked an emergency bread ration plan when he noticed he was down to his last sliver of chapati while dealing with a plateful of daal and shaami kabab.
The 32-year-old instinctively kicked into roti survival mode, as he forced minuscule pieces of bread to take on ten times the recommended saalan workload.
How did it get to this point? Was it a lack of planning? Possibly an over-indulgence, or inefficient use of bread during the first half of the meal? Questions left to be answered some other time. Right now, it’s all about getting through this disproportionate amount of daal and meat with the provision in hand, or risk being left with nothing except his raw fingers.
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On Tuesday morning, loyal MAGA supporter and American Flag bandana connoisseur Charles Wade indicated he needed more time to process, rot inside, and defend President Trump’s latest racist tweet.
“Now wait one dad gum minute! I dunno what the President said about them black people or immigrants,” shouted Wade when he was approached by local reporters looking for perspective on Trump’s morning rant, filled with racist tropes and xenophobic undertones.
“Hell, I barely got off the crapper and ya’ll bum-rush me to speak to something I ain’t got a Sam Hill clue about. I told you fake news animals before, it’s a process and it takes time. I gotta look at myself in the mirror every morning, say goodbye to the part of me I gotta sell in order to defend whatever tweet I need to defend to protect this country from them liberals. That’s a lot of moral decaying to do before 7 am. So back off!”
Chase then shifted his focus away from journalists to a foyer mirror affixed on the wall, as he grit his teeth and stared at himself with increasing disappointment.
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Mike Edwards isn’t sure of what to do with the several items he looted from a neighborhood Indian store late last night.
Edwards spread his loot across a parking lot just 3 blocks away from the Bombay Bazaar, a grocery store specializing in south asian grocery and other convenient items.
“What the hell did I nab?!?” said a bewildered Edwards as he picked up and shook a can of Pan Parag in the air.
“Is this thing full of rocks?!?”
In his 4.5 minute smash and grab operation, Edwards was able to run out with 43 boxes of Shan brand maslala, 2 bags of Basmati rice, 3 boxes of Fair and Lovely, a bottle of Hajmola, and a stack of calling cards.
The 22 year old also reeked of a combination of turmeric and chili powder smells, even several hours after he vacated the store.
Follow @islamicanews. It goes great with Nirav brand chutneys.
Things got pretty heated at the Siddiqui household iftar dinner when Uncle Irfan went off on a drunk tirade after consuming too much Rooh Afza.
“You’re all going to hell with your opening-fast-one-minute-early shenanigans!” slurred the 39 year old day trader as he guzzled the red sugary syrup straight from the bottle.
Siddiqui struggled to keep his mouth moving as the thick, sticky concentrate began to seal his lips together and dribble down his rose-stained chin.
“Kids, when I was your age, I had to walk 50 miles in the snow to do wudu! *hiccup* And by the time I’d get back, it would be bro- bro- broken.”
Uncle Irfan then began to sob uncontrollably before passing out in a pool of his red vomit with a blood sugar level of 400.
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