How is Eid in your community?

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How is Eid in your community?

Eid is a time of great joy and celebration in many communities. What are your feelings about it?

sis1

“It would have been okay if the PA system in the sister’s section worked.”
Halima Kalima, Nurse

bro1

“The DJ was horrible! We had to sit on the floor and the girls kept to their side of the room.”
Ibn Clubbin, Student

bro2

“Yeah, I was gonna ask…is Eid today or tomorrow?”
Oblivious Mablivious, Clerk

bro4

“Once again, they rented a building that had bathrooms with 12 urinals, but only 2 sinks. The streets will be flowing with the blood of the infidels.”
Shaikh Mabuti, Mechanic

Check out more Islamica Asks.

Area Sister Receives Miraculous E-mail, Forwards To 1,200 Closest Friends: "Really Freaky Stuff That Has to do with Islam"

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<span class=Area Sister Receives Miraculous E-mail, Forwards To 1,200 Closest Friends: "Really Freaky Stuff That Has to do with Islam"" title="Area Sister Receives Miraculous E-mail, Forwards To 1,200 Closest Friends: "Really Freaky Stuff That Has to do with Islam"" />

BIRMINGSPAM, NC – “I couldn’t believe it, they were so beautiful,” remarked Sister Aamina Fourwardu after viewing a picture attached to an e-mail forward she received early this morning. The e-mail, sent to her by a close and trusted friend, included approximately one dozen pictures portraying “Really Freaky Stuff That Has to do with Islam”.

Some of the pictures had subtle undertones of miracles whereas others were out and out unusual.

“The way that the clouds look, it’s so clear that they say ‘The streets will be flowing with the blood of the infidels'”, she stated as she sifted through one of the attached pictures.

Other pictures included in the e-mail portray images of a mongoose with a prayer hat, a zebra with the words ‘Shirk’ seemingly visible amongst its stripes and a bag of Basmati rice with a $3 price tag.

“That’s the biggest miracle,” reminisced Sr. Aamina referring to the $3 bag of rice, “You can’t get that kind of a price anywhere.”

Almost immediately after reading the message, Sr. Aamina decided that this message had to be shared with others.

“I felt that it was my duty to share this inspiring message with some of my closest friends.”

Dutifully following the “send this to everyone you know or else you will die” warning at the end of the email, Fourwardu sent the message to an estimated 1200 other individuals within a 10-minute span. In the process of doing so, she managed to collapse several email servers for the popular AOL Internet service provider.

“I couldn’t believe she sent me this crap,” stated former friend Kan Zaman. “I had to go through 12 pages of e-mail addresses just to get to the actual message and all I find is horribly-done Photoshop images.”

Sr. Aaamina didn’t seem fazed by the criticisms and harsh e-mail she received in response to her forward, including numerous death threats.

“I got everything from ‘You’re an incredible idiot’ to ‘Remove me from this stupid list’. But I’m taking it all in stride. Those people really need to relax. Maybe I’ll just forward them some jokes or something… those usually pick me up,” she said with a smile.

Hyderbadi Sunni Muslim Seeks Slim, Fair-Skinned Hyderbadi Wife: "Not Looking to Break Any Stereotypes"

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<span class=Hyderbadi Sunni Muslim Seeks Slim, Fair-Skinned Hyderbadi Wife: "Not Looking to Break Any Stereotypes"" title="Hyderbadi Sunni Muslim Seeks Slim, Fair-Skinned Hyderbadi Wife: "Not Looking to Break Any Stereotypes"" />

PEORIA, IL – In a shocking news conference held earlier today, 35 Year-old Hyderbadi Sunni Muslim Vali Ghous announced that he is now “ready to be settled down” and has plans to begin searching for a wife.

“I feel it is time now for me to get married. I have good job working in engineering plant, my family is settled, all 14 of my younger brothers are married, and we even married off my ugly sister. Boy do I feel sorry for her husband. She looks like my daddy,” explained Ghous.

Elaborating on details as to what exactly he is seeking in a potential mate, Ghous explained that he is in search of a very special woman that meets his strict requirements of religiousness, morality, kindness and being slim & fair-skinned as well as Hyderbadi.

Ghous' ideal mate
Ghous spent most of the press conference handing out leaflets containing his horrid vision of a future wife. The back of the leaflet prominently listed his email address: [email protected]

“She’s gotta be one hot mama,” exclaimed Ghous, “I mean, she’s gotta be a real looker. I would like for her to be religious and know about Islam or something like that. But that is the other thing…she’s gotta be really good looking!”

When asked by a reporter if he was afraid his search could be perceived as stereotypical and narrow-minded, Ghous replied, “Hey, I’m not looking to break any stereotypes, man” and reiterated that “she’s gotta be one hot mama.”

Towards the end of the two-minute press conference, Ghous unveiled a sketch of his ‘ideal woman’ which he assembled with the aid of a local-area police sketch artist.

“If I could find one that looked like that and could cook and clean…man! I would be in the heaven!”

Islamic Center Specializes in Misspelled Signs: A 'Focus on Your Insignificant Community' Report

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<span class=Islamic Center Specializes in Misspelled Signs: A 'Focus on Your Insignificant Community' Report" title="Islamic Center Specializes in Misspelled Signs: A 'Focus on Your Insignificant Community' Report" />

DES MOINES, IA – Meet Ayman Bughali, a hard working soccer fan who has been assigned to the duty of ‘sign maker’ at the Islamic Center of Des Moines. Upon entering the center, Ayman is always there to greet and introduce himself to you.

“I make the signs!” Bughali is quick to point out in his deep mid-eastern accent. Wherever one looks, they can witness the fruits of Bughali’s hard work.

“Please Do Not Generiously”, “Brothers: Lower the Gays”, and the infamous “Ekzit” signs grace the walls, doors and bathrooms of the center.

Bughali, who has had no formal education past the age of 11 and can barely speak the English language, seems to be oblivious to nearly all rules of grammar and proper spelling. When asked about his apparent ignorance of standardized English and MLA format, Bughali responded with a long, blank stare and occassional eyeblink.

Des Moines Islamic Council Member Ali Daugher, says he was thoroughly impressed by Bughali when he first witnessed him in action. “He was like a label maker on the crack…on a lot of the crack.”

These signs bring laughter to youngsters and educated people alike as some signs lack any coherency whatsoever.

During last Friday’s prayer, the guest speaker did not know what to do after reading a sign that read “Khateeb Dont Talk Deooring Khutba.”

Outside, a 4 year-old jokingly grunts like a dog under the sign saying “No Ill Eagle Barking In The Barking Lot.”

Some were too scared to go to the bathroom after they were told to “Bee In The Toilet.”

Bughali wishes to pursue his life-long dream, and get into traffic sign production. “I’ve always wanted to make an ‘Estop’ sign,” he remarked excitedly.

When asked if he knew what a spell checker was, Bughali hissed and ran away.

Area Imam Busted For Lip-Sync Act: First Milli Vanilli, Now This

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<span class=Area Imam Busted For Lip-Sync Act: First Milli Vanilli, Now This" title="Area Imam Busted For Lip-Sync Act: First Milli Vanilli, Now This" />

LAS VEGAS, NV – Just as the world overcame the traumatic affect of the dubious spectacle of has-been pop stars Milli Vanilli, the Muslim community of Nevada must brace for yet another shocking revelation. Imam Mabuti Lotz of the Islamic Society of Gamblin County has been charged with lip syncing his nightly Ramadan taraweeh prayers.

The Imam, who was unavailable for comment, would reportedly place a small microcassette player in the front pocket of his gown, and synchronize his big lips to the recorded recitation.

President of the ISGC, Sulaiman Ali Simali said that he noticed the Imam absent while the prayers were going on, stating “because you know sometimes I look around in my prayers, don’t you?”

Several other members of the community had reserved their suspicions for a long time.

“I knew something was smelling like fishy!” yelled Abu Ghouri, a longtime member of the community. “When he start to eat a banana during 14th rakah, I thought it was like a kind of magic.”

The Imam’s “magic” act was exposed last week during prayer when his cassette player malfunctioned, prompting rapid sajdah. The panicked Imam ran out of the masjid yelling, “I’m going to hell! I’m going to hell!”

Simali told reporters that he initially thought it was a really good impersonation of the chipmunks.

The fiasco incited a full investigation of the Imam’s life, which uncovered a previous failed dream of becoming an Elvis impersonator.

The community in Gamblin County will look for another Imam to replace the deceptive Mabuti Lotz but for the time being, they intend to play the microcassette recorder left behind.

Muslim Boy Drowns During Suhur: Father Makes Grizzly Early Morning Discovery

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<span class=Muslim Boy Drowns During Suhur: Father Makes Grizzly Early Morning Discovery" title="Muslim Boy Drowns During Suhur: Father Makes Grizzly Early Morning Discovery" />

HOUSTON, TX – A solemn mood set the stage at a north Houston residence yesterday as the county coroner confirmed the death of 14-Year-Old Tazi Chaudhry. Chaudhry was found face-down in a bowl of his favorite cereal, Cocoa Puffs, as his family was preparing to begin another day of Islamic fasting.

During the holy month of Ramadan, Muslims traditionally precede each day of fasting with a meal before dawn, or the suhur. According to forensic experts, it was during this time when Chaudhry fell asleep and drowned, landing face-down into his fatal breakfast which mother remarked he went “cuckoo for.”

The Chaudhry family is still trying to cope with the tragic loss of their youngest and most beloved member who they lovingly referred to as ‘Muna’.

Estooped Chaudhry, Tazi’s father, described his son’s personality as very unique and remarked, “He was a nice and calm little boy – except during suhur when he jerked his drowsy head back and forth, and cursed at me for waking him up too early!”

Muna’s mother, Chaipila, appeared to be the most grief-stricken. She recollected her biggest fears. “If anything, we thought he would die from a butter knife to the liver. But drowning in a bowl of cereal? That’s unheard of.”

The Harris County Coroner’s office released their report which captured yesterday’s grim set of events.

Per the report: “The subject fell back into a heavy sleep at the breakfast table, causing his head region to go crashing into the bowl region. It was at this point where he suffocated from milk inhalation which, in this case, didn’t do his body good.”

The coroner went on to write he reached these conclusions after finding a two puffs of the “cocoa cereal” lodged up the subject’s nostrils.

As Ramadan comes to a close, the family must now learn to cope with the tragic loss of young Tazi.

Estooped Chaudhry points out, “As I fast during the first few days of Shawaal, I shall remember my little Muna at suhur time, and stay the hell awake!”

Yet Another Hollywood Film Slanders Islam: Not Without My Daughter 2: Wait, I Forgot My Son

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<span class=Yet Another Hollywood Film Slanders Islam: Not Without My Daughter 2: Wait, I Forgot My Son" title="Yet Another Hollywood Film Slanders Islam: Not Without My Daughter 2: Wait, I Forgot My Son" />

HOLLYWOOD, CA – In a seemingly unbreakable and sad trend in modern-day filmmaking, MGM/UA is poised to release the sequel to their controversial film, “Not Without My Daughter”.

Entitled “Wait, I Forgot My Son”, the movie marks the return of depressing actress Sally Field as well as all the Jewish actors originally hired to play Muslims in the original. “I felt that the world needed to be reminded of how horrible the Muzlamic religion is,” stated Field.

“We also felt the need to show Muzlims that their method of prayer is wrong.”

What Field was referring to was the numerous prayer references in both the original movie and the sequel that depict traditional Islamic prayer as a random sequence of standing, bowing and loudly shouting various Arabic phrases in a rapidly repeated fashion for approximately twenty minutes.

Seemingly devoid of any plot whatsoever, “Wait, I Forgot My Son” depicts the journey of Field’s character into bowels of a villified Muslim country in search of her newborn son (played by Danny Devito).

“At the beginning of the new movie, my character marries a 7-11 clerk [who is later revealed as being suspected terrorist Osama bin Laden] and bares his child,” explains Field.

In the new film, Osama bin Laden plots to steal Field's children by becoming a 7-11 clerk who is fond of slurpees.
In the new film, Osama bin Laden plots to steal Field’s children by becoming a 7-11 clerk who is fond of slurpees.
“Needless to say, as per Muzlamic tradition, Osama takes his only son back to Afghanistan with him and it becomes my mission in life to get him back.”

News of the pending release of the movie has been met by much opposition and criticism from various Islamic groups such as CAIR (Council of American Islamic Relations) and ISNA (Islamic Society of North America) as well as the TDU (Taxi Drivers Union) and most Dunkin Donuts.

“I hate those kinds of flims, man,” exclaims Ali Kamal, Owner of Dunkin Donuts Store #294. “If that Sally Field ever come my store, I won’t give her the free donuts.”

That same sentiment was also heard from most Arab liquor store owners who are planning on refusing free liquor for Field as well as all taxi drivers refusing to take her anywhere.

The Hizbollah, not to be outdone, have also announced plans to steal the hollywood actress’s children and raise them overseas.

Islamic “Entertainment” Night Trend Continues: Nothing But Rap Acts and Childrens Videos This Time Around

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<span class=Islamic “Entertainment” Night Trend Continues: Nothing But Rap Acts and Childrens Videos This Time Around" title="Islamic “Entertainment” Night Trend Continues: Nothing But Rap Acts and Childrens Videos This Time Around" />

CHICAGO, IL – Boring the crowd for an estimated three hours, the entertainment night at a local-area Islamic convention consisted, yet again, of nothing but rap acts and the videos designed to teach Islam to children in the 2-3 year-old range.

Festivities started out rather lively with guest speaker Hakeem Olajuwan giving a speech about life, basketball and Islam but conditions deteriorated rather quickly once Olajuwon left the stage.

Crowd onlookers were subjected to a battery of 3 back-to-back episodes of ‘Adams World’ followed by various Islamic rap acts and ending with the debut of Astrolabe’s new show entitled “Tele-Arabees.”

Originality was sorely lacking as most rap acts looked and sounded like reruns of music videos from the early 90s. Artists performances included sets by L.L. Khool J, DJ Jazzy Jaleel and Fresh Prince of Morocco, and Queen Latifah.

One artist in particular, named Br. Yoyo Boyyuddin, sounded as though his act was completely unrehearsed and made up spur-of-the-moment.

Only 3 minutes into his set, Br. Yoyo Boyyuddin managed to lull half the crowd to sleep - breaking the convention record formerly held by "Babbling Bilal and Friends".
Only 3 minutes into his set, Br. Yoyo Boyyuddin managed to lull half the crowd to sleep – breaking the convention record formerly held by “Babbling Bilal and Friends”.
Aside from the fact that none of Boyyuddin’s lyrics rhymed, he was heard spewing out pathetic lyrics such as “Daddy wakes me up in the morning to pray Fajr. Then I go to sleep. Then I wake up again to pray Isha and wash the dishas” and “I hate it when I forget my lyrics sheet at home, but that’s alright, cuz I can make up dope lyrics without my sheet…naw you ain’t booin’…naw you aint booin”.

Boyyuddin set a new record when he managed to lull half the crowd to sleep in under 3 minutes while the other half of the crowd decided to start voicing their anger and hostility. Shouts of “You suck!” and “Jordan’s Over!” drowned out most of Boyyuddin’s lyrics.

Soundvision added to the dullness with their new show entitled Mujabr and his Monkey.
Soundvision added to the dullness with their new show entitled Mujabr and his Monkey.
Boyyuddin, however, was unaffected and reacted just as angrily when he began shouting, “Shake it. Bake it. Assalaamualaik It. Y’all think y’all got wudu but I think I’ll break it.”

Immediately following this line, witnesses cliaim that Boyyuddin screamed a barrage of obsenities, turned his back to the crowd and mooned an estimated 1,500 shocked onlookers.

While being escorted off the stage by convention security, he was last heard shouting “Did you see the Ramadan moon?! Huh?! Did you???”

Brother Still Believes Marsmallows are Halal: Digging Himself "Gooey Goodness" Path To Hell

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FOREST PARK, IL – Seemingly living under a rock for his entire life, Yasir Iman, a Forest Park native, still believes marshmallows are halal.

“They are!” exclaimed the visibly infuriated 25-year old while eating a bag of Jet-Puff marsmallows.

A slave to the gooey substance, Yasir has lived almost exclusively off marshmallows, in various forms, for the past three years according to close relatives.

“I’ve been trying to explain this whole thing to him for a few months now, but he just won’t listen,” stated Ali Qureshi, a friend of the Iman family. “Whenever anyone says anything, he just starts throwing chairs and pretending he’s possessed.”

Many area residents have also had sour encounters with the troubled youth.

“He starts throwing things around and yelling and screaming like a woman,” said 49-year old Nancy Kinders, who lives down the block from the Iman family, “What’s the big deal? They’re only marshmallows.”

Apparently unknown to Mrs. Kinders and Yasir, most marshmallows made in the US, with the exception of those marked with a ‘K’ for ‘Kosher’, contain a compound called gelatin – which is a popular euphemism for “phlegm and puss that rises to the top when you boil the bones of animals (commonly pigs) in a huge vat of water”.

When informed of possible dangers involved the consumption of gelatin, Yasir was truly baffled and still in apparent denial.

“What’s ‘consumption’ supposed to mean?” he asked, “They can’t be haram!!! Does this mean that I can’t eat Lucky Charms anymore?”

Revlon Releases Controversial Clear Plastic Hijab: "I mean, I did work on my hair for four hours"

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<span class=Revlon Releases Controversial Clear Plastic Hijab: "I mean, I did work on my hair for four hours"" title="Revlon Releases Controversial Clear Plastic Hijab: "I mean, I did work on my hair for four hours"" />

NEW YORK, NY – In an move to expand into new markets, cosmetic manufacturer Revlon unveiled its first entry into the Islamic fashion scene. Dubbed ‘The Clear Alternative,’ the clear plastic hijab is the first article of Islamic clothing comprised entirely of polyurethane.

Released for consumer testing in 1996, the initial iterations of the plastic hijab were anything but successful. Consumer testing revealed that the initial design was plagued with numerous fundamental flaws. Several women complained of excessive heat buildup in the hijab and three died of suffocation as a result of turning their heads too quickly, thereby blocking air intake.

Revlon representative Paula Mitchell assured Islamica News the final shipping version is very safe for ready for everyday use. The company spent numerous R&D hours to remedy issues of ‘breathability’ from the initial release.

“We feel that all problem issues have been covered and we’re excited to start shipping the product,” exclaimed Mitchell. “I mean, I did work on my hair for four hours, why not show it off?”

The company hopes to expand into other clear, polyurethane-based apparel in the near future and teased a clear jilbab as part of its marketing campaign.

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