“Idealistan” Deteriorating Quickly: Decaying Country Consists Entirely of Doctors, Lawyers & Engineers

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PEEYECHDI, IDEALISTAN – Trouble is running rampant in the relatively new nation of Idealistan. Founded in 1982 in the wilderness of Nebraska, the self-appointed nation of Idealistan consists entirely of immigrant doctors, lawyers and engineers.

With the typical Idealistan citizen holding at least one Ph.D., the nation would appear to flourish under the mass of educated workers.

“We didn’t want the lazies,” states Idealistan President Saleem Hussaini. “Lazies are no good for our daughters.”

Reality, however, is less kind. The one-dimensional society has run amuck, plagued with problems of basic sanitation and maintenance.

While the nation boasts highly-skilled professionals in the medical field, there are no ambulance drivers or paramedics to treat emergency situations. Hospitals, along with most other Idealistan buildings, are falling apart and in dire need of renovations in the absence of any and all construction workers.

Lawyers are plentiful but quite useless and mostly stand around and shrug their shoulders.

Mounds of trash and debris litter sidewalks and roads because Idealistan has no sanitation workers.

In an attempt to remedy waste disposal problems, Idealistan engineers architected an elaborate sewage system to directly deposit trash into neighboring city Omaha.

At first, the system worked well as 1,200 gallons of raw sewage were pumped onto Omaha streets. Strangely enough, Omaha residents didn’t really notice any change. The system crumbled, however, after three days because of an Idealistan sewage backup in the absence of skilled plumbers.

Experts say that if these conditions persist, there won’t be any operational vehicles in Idealistan within the next 10 years as there are no mechanics, despite the fact that all vehicles are Toyota Camrys.

“We should have planned this for the better,” remarked President Hussaini amidst a nervous laugh. “Now that I think about it, we don’t have any grocers. I have to drive 300 miles to the closest 100% Zabiha Halal butcher.”

16 Hour Drive Home Looms Ahead For Rejected Bachelor, Family

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COLUMBUS, OH – After failing to make a match at a hastily arranged matrimonial meeting, 34-year old bachelor Farouq Bashir and his parents face a long road home.

“I can’t believe this crap,” lamented Bashir. “She didn’t even say one word to me.”

The meeting with the Khan family lasted approximately three hours and the topic of discussion consisted almost entirely of the situation in Iraq.

The Khan family had been discussing marriage possibilities with the Bashirs for quite some time without their daughter Sherene’s knowledge. For reasons unknown, Sherene found out about these discussions only moments before the awkward encounter.

“What did they expect? They tell me some dude’s family is coming here only 20 minutes before they actually got here,” exclaimed a frustrated Sherene. “This definitely tops that time we tried Muslimarriage.com.”

Hijabi To Embark On New Career

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DALLAS, TX – As she embarks on her new career, nineteen year old Khadeeja Alam has recently made the decision to embrace the modest dress of the hijab and jilbab. Although a common dress among Muslim women, Khadeeja’s situation is not as traditional.

Her orange hijab matches her orange jilbab, the official uniform color at her new job – Hooter’s.

“I’m so excited about my new job! Inshallah, I hope it’s rewarding,” raves the young Muslimah.

“The great thing about the hijab is that it’s such a source of strength for me. I feel I can be viewed as an individual and appreciated for my abilities.”

Confused restaurant patron Duke Walker comments, “I’m not sure what’s goin on here. I mean didn’t they start up an airline er, where’s the shorts?”

As the orange-laden Alam delivers a tray of twenty ‘three-mile-island’ wings to a table, she raves, “It’s great to work at a place where the buffalo wings are the best in the world. I’m so blessed!”

Matt Adams, one from a group of four pimply teenage boys says, “I wish we had that other one with the red hair, we got gyped.”

Khadeeja hasn’t told her Middle Eastern parents yet, though she is excited in doing so.

“I can’t wait until I tell them that I’ve decided to wear hijab. They will be so happy!”

Shady MSA Getting Shadier

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DES MOINES, IA – Something is not quite right at the local college MSA. In a continuing pattern of suspicious trends, members are left with many questions as to what might be transpiring within their beloved organization.

“[MSA President Bilal Khan] wanted to hold a co-ed basketball tournament,” stated longtime member Maryam Zulfiqar. “This was after his original idea of a co-ed wrestling tournament was shot down.”

Flyers for a recent fundraising dinner included the e-mail contact “[email protected]” for MSA Secretary Aamina Forwardu.

This past semester, numerous events have also been held where no one but the president and secretary were notified.

“They’re freaking dating, I know it,” exclaims former member Ali Kamal. “I busted those two holding hands at the theater and they said they were just there to warn others about the evils of movies and stuff.”

Citing the Khan’s seven-year term at the two-year community college, members are demanding an MSA board re-election.

Will Someone Please Marry My Ugly Sister?

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Written By Riaz “Unibrow” Sayeed

Seriously. I’m getting sick of this. My dad is freaking out. My mom can’t sleep and walks around all day crying. Nobody’s interested in my hooking up with my sister.

She’s been single her whole life. That’s 30 years of solitary misery for the poor girl.

The last time we had a guy come to our house for a marriage scenario, he asked her, “Excuse me brother, but where is your sister?”

I don’t think she’s that bad looking. They say that the truest form of beauty is on the inside, right?

Well, it must be buried pretty deep.

Don’t get me wrong. She’s not that bad looking. People say she bears a strong resemblance to Barry White so it can’t hurt to resemble a celebrity. I think she resembles Barry in her voice more than looks, but who am I to judge.

My folks got really desperate last summer and rented out a booth at ISNA for her. It was way in the back of the bazaar with a sign that read, “For The Sake of Allah, Please Marry Me”. One guy stopped by but he was just asking where the bathroom was.

My sister thinks that guys aren’t interested in her because she doesn’t wear hijab. I tell her to flat out go for the niqab. She needs all the help she can get. Shoot, wear sunglasses with that niqab while you’re at it.

We registered her on one of those matrimonial sites but they keep turning down her membership because they think that the pictures are fake or it’s a joke of some kind.

I guess that in the end, we’re all destined to end up with someone, right?

Let’s just hope that guy comes along before my mother starts interviewing the blind.

What do you think of Muslims assimilating into mainstream culture?

Muslims face increasing scrutiny as they struggle to reconcile their faith with broader, non-Muslim culture. What is your perspective on this phenomenon?

sis5

“Asssimulaikum. Hehehe…get it?”
Maya Hyder, Housewife

bro7

“I’ll tell you after I finish my beer, motherf#@%r!”
Johnny Kababa, Restaurant Owner

bro6

“Great. So now instead of polygamy, we’ll have polygavorce…polygadivorce. Or something.”
Shabaz Abdulla, Engineer

bro5

“HARAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!!”
Riaz Nader, Student

Check out more Islamica Asks.

New Muslim Tired of Spicy Food Warnings

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SCHAUMBURG, IL – Yesterday afternoon, local authorities were called onto the scene of what witnesses described as “some white guy gone mad.”

Later identified by police as area resident Isa Zafar, the ordinarily tranquil man erupted in a frenzy of obscenities at a local restaurant/video store. Eyewitnesses claim that Zafar, 25, lapsed into a bout of temporary insanity prompted by restaurant owner/video clerk Muzamil Khalid.

“I just told the guy that the he might not want to try the nihari because it may be too much spicy and he may not like,” explained Khalid.

Zafar, formerly known as John Smith before converting to Islam a year ago, has dealt with warnings concerning spice-levels in food on a daily basis.

Close friends claim that Zafar has progressively grown very sensitive to Khalid’s spicy food warnings considering the fact that Khalid issues such warnings every time Zafar enters the eating establishment/video piracy ring.

Man Recalls Times When He Used To Eat Non-Zabiha Meat

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HANOVER PARK, IL – At the corner table of a northwest suburban Long John Silvers sits 32 Year Old Zia Usmani. Immersed in the pirate haven ambiance of the establishment, Usmani awaits his three piece ‘Fish and More’ ordered just minutes prior.

Like many of his fellow Muslims, Usmani gave up eating non-zabiha meat three years ago in compliance of a more orthodox way of life.

“Just one bite of a juicy, flame broiled Whopper with cheese,” muttered the man under his breath.

Since his oath of no “outside meat,” Usmani has succumbed fifteen times to Whoppers, Big Macs, and Slim Jims. This time, however, he claims to be serious in his stride and plans to take preventive measures.

“Maybe if I say bismillah and spin three times it will be okay to eat it?”

As a plate copious with hushpuppies and coleslaw was delivered in front of him, witnesses observed Usmani frowning as he openly wept.

Descrambler Reveals New Muslim Cable Channel

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CLAREMONT, CA – Twenty-year-old Musa Hathout was disappointed last week when he found out that channel 96 was the home of the new ‘Crossroads’ Muslim lifestyles cable television channel.

The young Hathout made the discovery after he connected his new ClearMax 6000 cable box he bought from an eBay auction. The ClearMax 6000, along with other cable descramblers, allows viewers to clearly and illegally watch premium scrambled channels.

“My parents went to umrah last week, so I thought what better time to hook up the ClearMax,” the second year Cal Pomona student said.

Much to Musa’s chagrin, however, the first thing he saw was the new series, “Muslim Assimilation Hour with Paul Khalini.”

“It looked so different when it was all wavy and distorted. So much more… interesting.”

Musa Hathout still plans to keep the cable box in hopes of a future shift in the channel lineup. He also plans to find out what is on channel 97.

Audience Chuckles At Overused Guest Speaker Humor

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ROLLING MEADOWS, IL – Ahmed Bashir elicited few chuckles last Saturday during the Islamic Society of Northwest Suburbs’ annual fundraising dinner.

“I know nobody wants to listen to me when there is a delicious food right there, but you will have to wait,” Bashir said in his speech opening.

Scattered, polite laughter could be heard from the audience.

Afterwards, Bashir commented, “It’s funny to use food as bait for my audience you know.”

Not everyone had a polite reaction,however. Attendee Omar Saleh candidly commented, “Trust me the food ain’t delicious, but his speech ain’t any better. That [expletive] needs to step.”

It was the 12th time this month Bashir mentioned “waiting for dinner” during his customary two hour intro speech.